once upon a time, i dreamt about living in a beautiful big palace having everything i wanted. then i dreamt about living in the moon. as i grew older, i dreamt about being the best in what i do, i dreamt about being the top student, being a president scholar, marrying the guy who will become the president and live my whole life in luxury. then i dreamt about being the singapore's fastest canoeist, smartest and prettiest girl.
yes i was greedy, i was insane and i thought i could do it.
but look at me now, i am nowhere near any of these dreams. people always say we must have big dreams and aim high, but now i choose to be realistic. yes, no more of that supergirl who could do everything. sometimes i look back a wonder, what is the purpose of life. my dad asked me that one morning and i told him, i want to be happy with whatever i do. he shook his head and immediately replied, i'm so disappointed with you, not even planning ahead and only aiming for such simple goals in life. i know you want me to be your pride and i think i've already done enough, i'm sick and tired of hearing what i should be doing and achieving. it's not that i don't want, it's that i really can't do it anymore.
sometimes i really ponder about this question: is it worth it? for all the time and effort i've put in, all the sacrifices and at the end of the day no spectacular results. perhaps i really shouldn't have even started. girl, it's time to take a break, go breathe the fresh air, let loose and just follow your heart.
please, let it go....
(i'm super sleepy now.. to be continued when i've time)

so it was 3 months of intensive insane training for the 2 days of proving ourselves and now it's over. results were quite expected and the winners really deserve what they should. i believe we have already done our very best, set our new personal best timings, even if it wasn't good enough to get us a gold medal. we rowed our race, put our heart and soul in it, started, burst, ended knowing that it was the best we could give. i don't know how to describe this feeling, on one hand, i am happy for clocking my best timing, on the other hand, there is still this unfulfilled desire to get what is the best.
i remember when year 1 sem 1 started, i got a phone call from our dear lesley asking me to go down for training, half-heartedly, i went, thinking that i would probably use it as a chance to get some exercise and to see how the trainings are like. but i stayed on, i don't know why. maybe it's the hope of achieving something for the school, to do a bit of what i can. then there was round ubin, mr500, sdbf and now ncc.
i remember the last day of exams marked the first day of our full time training. it was madness indeed, when others are enjoying their holidays, working and earning money, we spent almost everyday in macritchie, soaking up the sun, devoting our whole holidays to canoeing. the crazy mileages we did, almost 30km a day of paddling, spending half the day in the water and the other half eating or chilling out with one another's company, crazy stuff we did, many food we ate. then came the first month anniversary, then higher intensity training, then a big headache deciding the line up, freezing our brains with icecream while thinking and only finalising it last minute.
tonight was fun. chilling out at brewerkz, stuffing our face with food and beer and games of indian poker, marking the end of this season. tomorrow will mark the start of 7-day long sports camp. after that it would be one week of break and finally school will start again. i must say luckily ncc is near the end of holidays, if not i really don't know what to do after that.
round ubin follows, which means training is not going to stop. should i be glad or should i be sad? part of me wanted to bid goodbye to canoeing a long time ago, but the other half me can't bear to leave the fun we had, the times we spent together...
i'm back to the state of confusion again.... someone help.....
ok someone please give me some photos to post up... really tired now

it's been a long time since i last blogged.. so just a quick update of things that happened while i was busy or rather just lazy blogging..
SDBF was an exciting weekend especially sunday's PM cup, ntu managed to get back the PM cup trophy with just a less than 0.2 second difference. I used to dislike dragon boat, cos it's tiring and makes you ache on one side, but after that weekend's races, i've seen what's called a real fight to the end, refusal to give up and giving it your all, as if there's no tomorrow. as for our mixed boat, i dare say we have no regrets when we left bedok, though we missed the gold by just that millisecond, but we were close to impossibility. and it was my first "men's open" medal, haha. drumming is fun...
then there's crasy nights spent watching world cup, sy's birthday party that we all went so crazy, so high and did lots of stupid things, really lots of stupid things. not forgetting pigging out, dimsum buffet, oh man, we love food.
then there's senior's camp, 3 hours of sleep in total and everyone completely concussed when they got home. i slept from 7pm till around midnight when i was so glad i managed to wake up to catch the world cup finals, but i still fell asleep after halftime.
primary school registration for my dearest little girl yesterday was quite a breeze, though i spent 15 minutes finding the gate, she officially accepted to nyps yay.. didn't know nyps was so hot on demand. lucky girl to have a sister like me..
A div nationals today, must say i feel quite old and out of touch with the juniors, but results were quite expected and now the big challenge is ncc. i still can't believe it's only next weekend, scared? excited? i don't know.. i think i haven't got into the competition mood yet..
totally out of point here, but girl wake up, don't do this, you can't do this, mind, please win your heart.. this should not and must not happen. noooooo....

great singapore sale is on and the shopaholic in me is on the loose. last week i finally got a taste of my anticipated holiday tai-tai lifestyle. on the first day of GSS, after a carbo-packed lunch with the ntu canoeists at cafe cartel for energy, the time has come to shop. the set lunch at cartel wasn't that appetizing but bread was nevertheless, bread was good. i think they should seriously employ more waiters and station some of them permanently cutting up bread and serving.












that's us at cartel and sophie trying eat that gigantic burger of hers













the shopaholic was well prepared. i dumped all my stuff in the gym and even brought a small bag which i can carry with me whilst shopping. after joining the fun of shopping on the first day of GSS, the tai tai wannabe went for a relaxing yoga class before meeting up with the rj canoeists for dinner at lemongrass and the usual swensons dessert followed, which we could never get sick of. it's been a long time since we met up. everyone looks more or less the same and lyd's got her gigantic hair done again.














that's us at swensons.










with lydia and her big curly hair and fengyi and her google tanline.


we love desserts but nothing beats the marche desserts which got devoured in less than 10 seconds by very hungry and greedy people after the southern island expedition. and how can we forget carol's waffle with extra bananas after sdba. and cake binging at secret recipe not too long ago







does this sinful picture look familiar?


that's the end of day one of tai-tai life. on the second day of GSS, the shopaholic is out to shop again before making our way to indoor stadium for grease. it was great watching them sing and dance on stage and made me wonder don't they get tired jumping around so many days in a row?
i'm totally love food and am looking forward to tomorrow's buffet at ikoi. sometimes i think i train so that i can eat all i want and not feel too guilty. ok i just had lunch about 2 hours ago and i'm feeling hungry already especially when my mom and sis are just in the kitchen making dumplings for dragon boat festival tomorrow.

it has been at least 2 or 3 weeks without my weekly long, therapeutic run, and by long i mean at least an hour. and why are the runs getting more and more expensive each year. AHM is 18 bucks and real run is 25 bucks. i don't remember paying so much last year. now i'm contemplating whether to sign up for real run. i'm just hoping that standard chartered marathon's registration fees won't increase anymore. it's already so expensive and they have lots of sponsors. oh yes and to all those girls who like running. there's a shape run coming up in july. eh it's literally free cos it comes with a half year subscription. i think those who hate running must be wondering why people are willing to pay so much just to run when you can do it absolutely for free. well, it's just nice to run.

i realised i should never made resolutions and swear that i'll keep to them because they never happened. first was to sleep before 11 everyday but look at the time now and i've been sleeping around this time for the past few days and waking up early. second was to refrain from eating chocolates, but seems like i've been eating chocolate bars everyday and i don't know if it's psychological or it's really the sugar rush, but training feels better after eating chocolates. well, at least there's something for me to be proud of, and that is i haven't drank coffee at all since the end of exams.
it's already a month into the holidays and i don't know if i should be glad or sad.. glad because i don't have to touch books anymore for these 3 months at least, and that to me is a huge relief. sad because i can't realise all my holiday plans. isn't it strange how you badly look forward to something and when you actually get it, the feeling of excitement/euphoria doesn't seem to exist. maybe it's just me, but i was so impatiently looking forward to the end of exams but after my last paper, it wasn't the expected feeling of happiness and relief. instead, i felt numb/lost and tired, very lethargic/exhausted, as if i just wanted to go home and have a good rest. in fact, i think i had more fun planning for my holidays than living it. i planned to be a good sister, to send my little sis to kindergarten and back everyday, teach her stuff in preparation for school, go swimming with her, doing a fun job and making some money while having fun, like working in an ice cream shop, spend my free time sun tanning, jogging, canoeing for the fun of it, gymming and attending classes like yoga, and how can i possibly forget shopping, ktv-ing, travelling, sleeping, there's so much things to do and it felt like there was so much time to do it.
and now i have to squeeze everything into the days when i'm free. majority of my time comprises of training, not that i hate it, but it does gets boring at times. sometimes i'm in the mood to really focus on training and strokes etc, but sometimes i'm just so sick and tired of it. on the last lunch in JB during the retreat, when jr was talking about why he doesn't want to try out for national team again and he said this phrase which really struck me: once you're out of it, you can never get it back again.
is it true? i've been pondering over it. perhaps. i remember lifting freaking heavy weights in that little weights room, running intervals like mad on the track, doing pull-ups like nobody's business, paddling my heart out at kallang river. and now? i don't know... i came back from sibu and tried a 2.4 just to see how's my running now and it was very disappointing, can't even sub 12 for 2.4 when i used to be able to do that for intervals of 2x2.4. after that i struggled to get my chin above the pull-up bar, which used to be no-kick. perhaps things should just have stopped at the peak because it's quite impossible to get another higher peak. perhaps you're right.
sigh, ok, ignore all my incoherent ramblings, it's 2am in the morning. time to sleep

iti'm back from my only weekend getaway from singapore for the entire 3 month break. retreat to pulau sibu for 3 days 2 nights and here is how it went:
day -1 night 10 pm:
the packing just started. took out all the clothes from my cupboard, all the toiletries, passport, money etc. dumped them all on my bed and had a hard time deciding what to bring and what not to bring and which bag to bring. in the end i just threw everything into the big black bag and the tired me went to sleep.
day 1:
woke up extremely early to go for a short morning run because i realised i would probably not have the chance to run for the next 2 days. if you think my usual 6am morning run is early, well, this time it was 4.30 because i had to be at kranji at 6.30. and of course i'm not stupid enough to run into the forest so i went to the stadium and realised i wasn't the first. caught the first bus to the mrt station and took a train to kranji. and of course we didn't set off at 6.30 sharp and by the time we got on to our bus in jb it was already 8.30. after about 2 hours of bus ride, which i slept through it undoubtly, and about half an hour of ferry ride. we finally arrived in sibu. it is a small and rather laid-back island, no fanciful shopping centres, entertainment. basically it's just the sand and the sea. we spent the first afternoon at the nearby beach, playing beach volleyball, frisbee and playing in the water. after dinner was night games and i concussed on the bed before 12.
day 2:
after breakfast we set off for snorkelling. everyone was in a high spirit although the sun was not as good as it was the day before. we spent the whole ferry trip taking photos and when it was finally time to get off the boat and to the beach, we suddenly hesitated about snorkelling. there were jellyfish everywhere around the boa, but we still put on our googles and went down the water, thinking that it wouldn't be too bad in the shallow waters. but we were wrong. it felt like we were playing catching with the jellyfish and instead of looking out for coral reefs and fish, we were looking out for jellyfish and trying our best to avoid them. it was quite a traumatizing task and although i did try very hard to avoid them, they were faster than i am. nasty little many-legged creature gave me a nasty little sting on my arm and left it in pain for the rest of the day. it was definitely not a pleasant experience but was an unforgettable one. of course, we had to give up on snorkelling in that area. perhaps it just wasn't our day, it rained after lunch and left us stucked in the resort playing hunter. when the sky finally cleared, it was time for more sea and sand. and we refuse to give up on snorkelling and so we finally did, at a beach with no jellyfish (at least i didn't encounter any). dinner was barbeque and i think we're a whole bunch of greedy and hungry people. we had to ask for extra dish and rice every meal. and we finished 2 big tins of biscuits after 2 nights of indian poker. i think our humongous appetite scared the resort owner.
oh ya, i didn't mention about the place that we stayed. it was nothing like a hotel, more like a chalet kind, where around 4 of us shared a room which only has a bed for us to sleep. the whole level had 4 toilets to be shared among 36 of us and there's no hot water. what's worse is that the tap water tastes rusty.
since that was the last night, of course there was minimal sleeping. we played murderer, indian poker and those who slept early knew the consequences.
day3:
it was the last day, or rather it was go-home day. we didn't do anything or go anywhere that day. after breakfast we packed up and left the little island which we spent 2 relaxing days. it's really sit around and wait for time to pass. it felt great for the time we were there, like a transient escape from the hectic city life, but i don't think i want to stay there for my entire life.
short holiday, but better than none.
now it's back to where i am. and here are some photos for viewing pleasure:









that's the whole group of us when we arrived.











before the "snorkelling"









the girls









153 club. make a guess why the name










s cube










the view from where we stayed









brokeback!!!!!









are you sleeping? are you sleeping?? yes, the whole bus is sleeping

check this out... i thought it was hilarious
http://flash.cyol.com/product/05121802324416.swf

today i took a last look into the mess that i've been staying in for the past 2 sememsters, yes, my not-so-lovely, quite convenient and used to be very messy room in hall 14 of nanyang crescent. will i miss the hostel life?? i don't know, shall blog more on my thoughts for the first year of my uni life when holiday officially starts, which will be in 2 days time.
today i also had the most unpleasant bus ride which i must comment. as i was happily taking the bus from boon lay to jurong east library, trying to make sense out of my notes, occasionally looking out of the window to enjoy the scenery, and drinking my soursop juice (ok, i admit i do eat in the bus), this old man got on and sat beside me. the first thought that came to my mind was: hello, can't you see there are empty seats (in fact quite a lot), why the hell must you place your ass on the seat beside mine? then i began to smell something funny, yes, it was from that dirty old man who smelled like he hasn't bathed for days. i decided to be nice and tolerant so i just looked out of the window so that my nose can be as far away from him as possible. and then, as i stole peeks at him, i realised what he was doing... he was putting his hand into his shirt and scratching himself and then flicking (some dead skin i suppose) off his fingers. i was already quite grossed out by him right from the start and now here's the climax. he scratched, took his hand out of his shirt, towards his face, in front of his nose, smelled it, and then moved it a little lower and yes, into his mouth. oh my god, i almost felt like puking when i see him chewing and nibbling at whatever stuff that was. yucksssssssss!!!!!!!!!

有人无法看见美景，有人无法听见声音。
有人无法唱歌，无法倾听。
有人闻不到花香，有人不能四处跑动，有人没脚穿鞋。
为什么我还要不停抱怨，不能像小鸟一样，飞入云端玩耍？

i've been blog surfing recently and just to pen down some thoughts on life...
it's strange how some people try so hard to maintain that breath of life while others try all means to take it away... yes, it's so vulnerable yet so strong. seems like some things are not within our control, if someone wants to take it away just like that, what can we do to stop? and it's ridiculous how some people tried to commit suicide for various reasons and tried all means but failed in the end. what losers these people are? why are they so unappreciative of the beauty of life?
yes, and i've just called myself a loser. honestly, i've ever thought about it, but i didn't have the courage to. because i can't bear to leave my loved ones, or rather i don't want to be remembered as the coward who does not have the courage to face reality.
i know that there are so many people out there who are so much less fortunate than i am, and if they can live on so happily, why can't i do the same? really, how do you define happiness? it's not about money, not about achievement, nor results... i think it's more of a phychological thing...
i will stop complaining about my life, because i'm lucky enough to be given this chance to live and i will treasure it and spread it around. i just did today, by donating blood.

ok, i shall be good so here it goes....

Rules:
1. Bold the following words that are true about you.
2. Green the things you wish were true.
3. Add one thing true about you.
And then tag FIVE more people.

I miss somebody right now.
I don't watch TV these days. i've been watching tv everyday since exams started, or rather, since i moved back home
i should spend more time exercising than being a couch potato!!!
I own lots of books.
I wear glasses or contact lens.
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I've been in a threesome.
I've been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm totally smart. yeah right....
I've broken someone's bones.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi. or rather to put it more generally, i love food
I talk really, really fast/unclear.
i wish i spoke slower
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D. and i hate getting unknown calls and i can always reject calls that i don't want to answer, heh when i'm in a dao mood
I like the way I look. yup, it's in green
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.erm, i can move my ears
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have alot of friends.
I am currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
i am talking now!
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
I enjoy window-shopping.
I would rather shop than eat. can i have both??
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. sigh...
I've rejected someone before.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before. yes quite a lot...
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn. yeah right now it's 109 cell bio
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex. sometimes
I have made a move on a friend's significant past or crush in the past.
I own the a South Park movie.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I have dated a close friend's ex.
I am happy at this moment!
I'm obsessed with guys.Democrat.
I am punk rockish.I am preppy.
I study for tests most (ALL) of the time. haha this must be a joke
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I can work on a car.
I love my job.
I am comfortable with who I am now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can. haha i went home barefooted from kallang before when my slippers disappeared
I have jumped off a bridge. sigh, didn't get to try the bridge jump for x-physique
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at MacDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
I went to college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses!
I fall for the wrong people. ??? hahahahahaha
I adore bright colours. totally
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing. yeah when i should be studying for my paper tomorrow...
I usually like covers more than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongues in waves, much like a snakes slithers.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distraction.
I'm usually bothered by trivias.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.
I can't stand at LEAST one person I work with.
I am a caffeine junkie. how about 3 to 4 cups of coffee a day?? and my aim is to abstain from coffee after exams
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary. it's never necessary at home cos my mom will do it when she can't stand the untidyness anymore... hostel?? hehe i dare not even go back to see what's the situation like
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy. who doesn't? but the problem lies in how to be happy
I am an adrenaline junkie.
I have ridden an elephant.
I love chocolates! it's a love-hate relationship haha
I go to school NOT for the sake of lessons. sometimes, just to chill out with friends... school would be fantastic without the stress of lessons and exams
I love tomatoes
I like peanut butter on bananas.
Been told "You're on fire!"
I'm a netballer. some say i look like one, but the truth is i have no ball sense at all
I want to be everything cool!
I believe in Serendipity.
I think the word "RASPBERRY" is sexaaay! ????!!!! i think watermelon sounds better
I love to look at people's teeth. ???!!!! i used to look at teeth a lot when i was working at the dentist
I don't wanna grow up.
I can cross my eyes n stick out my tongue n still look cute.
Gaining weight is a wonderful thing. my big fat ass!!!!
I am a procrastinator.
I love listening to gossip.

Something about me: actually i don't really know myself sometimes!

wow that was a pretty long list to go through, i don't know why i did it when i'm suppose to be hugging buddha's leg now haha.

so here are the lucky five:
fengyi
rachel
meixiu
michelle li
michelle chan
and whoever who is bored


almost halfway through and i refuse to comment on the dire state of this exam. sigh....
i've been staying at home for the past 2 weeks and i must say that home is a perfect place to eat and sleep and yes, get fat..... and now my only forn of exercise now is running and the best thing is i run on the treadmill and watch tv at the same time, haha so that i won't feel so guilty for watching tv...

shall stay at home today cos i'm lazy to go out, and my mom is scared of my presence at home cos i eat everything in the kitchen, and my dad likes it when i'm home cos my mom will cook more and better dinner haha, how ironic...

i can't wait for exams to be over, and here's my to-do list after exams:
- food therapy (i think in this case my dad is more eager for my exams to end so that he can have his buffet)
- exercise therapy (to get rid of all the fats and junk in my body that is accumulated during the exam period)
- singing therapy (oh man, i'm so ktv deprived!!!!!!!)
- retail therapy (yes, shopping shopping and more shopping please!!!!)
- don't drink anymore coffee!!!!!

and here's my plans for holiday:
- get a nice, fun and slack job (like working in an ice creamery or baking cakes)
- educate my sister (to get her ready for school next year, still can't imagine her going to school, seeing her grow up make me feel that she's forever a baby)
- train, train and train to get those muscles and nice tan back
- get some reading done (this is going to be the hardest i tell ya)

it's the time of the year again and i feel like my head is exploding... maybe someone should just take a chopper and chop it off. just kidding...
time to play disappearing act again, and i've been hiding at home as much as possible. i hate this feeling. it seems like school has just started last week and my mind has not been activated yet. grrr just hang in there..
on a lighter side, there's 2 new additions to my house - 2 hamsters which are keeping my sister busy. her record of pets was one week (2 cute rabbits died in her hands) and i certainly pray for the 2 little hamsters.
3 days ago while working at the ciee work and travel usa, i was using my tongue to clean my mouth after eating an apple and i felt something like apple skin stucked at the end of the bottom row of teeth which can't come out, only to realise it was my wisdom tooth taking a peek. haha i'm getting wiser.
i feel feverish and i think i'll take a plunge into the freezing pool later...
man, i hate myself, hate myself, hate myself..........

I'm super irritated with the security guard at my condo. Today is the third time he's stopping me from walking in and i had to convince him that I stay here.
I'm so sick and tired of this boring school life. Give me a break!!!!!

so the time has come for mission impossible....
it's almost midnight now and i'm drinking tea to keep myself awake for hope of studying late into the night, although i know it's only a matter of time when my eyelids starts covering my eyeballs and my brain shuts down completely...
today was another bad school day when i uncontrollably fell asleep during the first lecture and got myself a cup of coffee hoping to pay better attention during the second class... but...
oh well, i think i'm surviving on caffeine and this is really bad. the feeling of your mind not following your body and feels like i'm floating
just came back from watching ice age 2, it's really cute and funny and definitely a good way to destress. you really made my day and i can't imagine weeks without you....
go study la girl......

so tmr's the day.
i'm beginning to question myself have i lost it? as far as i can remember, this is not the right kind of pre-race feeling. i don't feel the excitement, the competition high. all i remember is your message and that was what made me push on. about half a year ago, i reluctantly joined ntu canoeing after trying so hard to convince myself i wasn't going to touch a paddle anymore, and since then, i've been lifting weights and paddling my ass off in the canoes once again. why? i don't know.... until a month ago, i knew what i has paddling for. it's almost an impossibility that we're fighting for, but i still believe impossible is nothing. i'm stressed, so much so that i nearly broke down into tears. i know how important this race is to you, and i want to make it something which you can take back. don't worry partner, i'll give my hundred percent tomorrow, nothing less. i used to love watching people race, i used to love racing, i still do, it's just the feeling is totally different. perhaps it's something i will never forget, and watching others race will only bring it back somehow...
shit, i think i'm in a state of depression too. or call it stubborn..... it's just me and i really hate myself for being who i am. i'm so sorry but i didn't mean to hurt you.. just let me hide in my room please and don't worry i won't kill myself...
i'm sorry but i chose to escape.........

it's been a long time since i've blogged. it was either because i didn't have the time or i didn't have the mood. although i admit i am guilty of not replying messages promptly, i really couldn't reply to the long message you sent. was it coincidencial that i happen to be looking at those past photos? but you woke me up from my own dreamland. i so wanted to put an end to it, once and for all. until you made me realise i can't exist in my own world.
wake up girl.... enough time and youth wasted.. i don't want to live on like this forever.. i wish i could love myself as much as i love you..

If people say every year is different, I say 2005 is the year where a lot of major changes took place in my life. There was lots of fun, excitement, new experience, and disappointment.
It's the year that I entered university, a completely different learning environment from what I was used to. No more classrooms, no more teachers chasing after tutorials and making a big fuss for not attending or sleeping in classes. I still remember my first lecture which I happily entered empty handed, expecting the lecturer to pass us the lecture notes, only to realise we had to print our own.
Staying in hall was another new experience. Although it was just an hour's journey back home, I could nevertheless feel the freedom I never had before. Although I wouldn't say my hall is the most happening hall, living with friends did provide much more fun factor than living with parents. I think the best part of hall is that I don't have to account for all my late returns
2005 was also the year I experienced a working life, the trouble of looking for a job which I like and offers good pay. The initial thrill of earning my own money and doing something to occupy myself that gradually grew into boredom of a repetitive routine and now the preference of staying at home and resting or going out and spending money instead of earning. Ask me which is better, working or studying, I say I want a bit of both.
Did quite a lot of travelling in 2005 too. Had a splendid trip to Western Australia with family in January. It felt great to take a break from the city life and immerse ourselves in the tranquility of nature, catching crabs from the river beside where we stayed, and visiting the farms, getting in touch with those cute little animals and not forgetting the mouth-watering grapes, peaches and melons. They were so good that we imported almost 20kg worth of fruits back to Singapore. Then there was China trip in May with mom and sis. Vast difference in scenery, environment and surrounding. But with the prices of goods, I shall take back those complaints. Got to visit my future school and it was nowhere in comparison with SBS in NTU. I think I will either starve to death due to the lack of fish and seafood there or stuff myself real fat with the fattening road-side food. Take the soup noodles for example, instead of droplets of oil you find droplets of soup amongst the thick layer of oil. But the food there is great, if you dare to eat that is.
Of course there is the experience of failure. The rejection of scholarships, overseas universities and from medicine. Well, I guess that's all part and parcel of life, I won't deny the fact that I was disappointed, but they eased my decision of where to go and what to do. In fact, I am very satisfied with my current situation. Although Bio is not my forte, I think things will not be better if I was in medicine. Nevertheless, I enjoyed myself during the scholarship activities, mixing around the the future leaders and scientists and a crash course in presentation and interview skills when they gave you a topic like "how would chairs look like if our legs bend forward instead of backwards" on the spot and ask you to crap for 1 minute. or having 15 minutes to prepare a GP-like question and giving a 5 minute presentation. Ask me to do it now, i'll tell you it's next to impossibility.
Then there was the usual last minute studying, which didn't turn out to be exactly very effective. Imagine studying everything in about 1 or 2 weeks. Everything meaning a crash course for A level Biology. I was almost pulling my hair out every night and cursing and swearing at all the scientists and professors. In fact, I have never gone into the examination hall so unprepared before, but I guess there's always a first time for everything, and I'm definitely not hoping for anymore.
And of course, you drew the perfect conclusion to the year 2005. Love the times we spent together and the crazy things we did. I guess we both have our busy schedules and I'm so guilty of that, but that will only make me treasure the times we can have together.

Holidays are almost over, so is 2005. These few days are busy but with a sense of accomplishment. I finally got my furniture for my room and finally had the courage to get my ears pierced after walking past and stopping at B*dazzle for more than 3 times. I felt like an animal in the zoo with people walking past and looking at me. The one on the right cartilage was surprisingly not as painful as what I thought it would be. I was totally mentally unprepared as I just settled down in the seat and was getting ready for a shot when I suddenly felt something hitting my ear and there, it went in, in just 1 second. Then the nice lady told me the left one won't be as painful but with total anticipation, I thought it was worse. Ignorance is bliss, true indeed. The price was rather steep but at least it is safe and professional.
Christmas is a season of love and food. I've been pigging out on every food in sight like nobody's business and watching the fats build up around my waist and arms and thighs and everywhere else. Canoers dinner always end up to be a mass pigging out session. Dinner at fish and co and lots of cakes at secret recipe directly after that left us so bloated and fat that we decided to walk down orchard just to let the food digest. But it was certainly great catching up with you guys, as usual, we made lots of noise and talked about everything that nobody else would. Our fun always seem to evolve from food. I can never forget the marche desserts that were gone in a few seconds, the cafe cartel bananas etc etc, I thought canoeists are suppose to be on a healthy diet??
This is perhaps the most special and meaningful christmas in my life with the best christmas present one can ever get.

don't expect me to be in a good mood after a day when everything goes wrong. First it was waking up late for training because my poor phone battery died and other samsung chargers didn't seem to be able to charge it. So I had no alarm clock and only a lousy clock on my table which was half an hour slow. Didn't run today. damn. Paddled k2, not much comments about that. Next was cleaning off the tape on the k2s. Call me a lazy bum or a slacker, but I don't think anyone likes to play with thinners and sticky gluey stuff. What's worse was that halfway the rain started pouring and left us shivering in the cold. The cleaning stopped and I grabbed my bag and immediately made my way home, hoping for a good warm bath and lunch.
Reached home after waiting damn long for the bus and got up to my place. Pushed the door handle. locked. pressed the doorbell. no answer. knocked on the door and shouted. the dog next door started barking. So the frozen and starved me went down to find a phone to call the idiots who locked me out of the house knowing that I forgot to bring my keys. called home, no answer. called dad, at work and had no idea where my mom went. called to my old house, line not in use anymore. alright, at least I got the news that there is a spare key at the customer service or whatever the place is called, so I went there, with great hope of getting the keys and saving myself from the coldness. Lunchtime for them, which means I had to wait till 2pm. Bloody hell, wasted almost an hour trying to get home, not forgetting the fact that I was drenched, cold and hungry. The mess in my room was certainly unhelpful and I searched all over but couldn't find the charger and couldn't find my mom.
Only managed to save my dead phone late in the evening after going back to my old place, grabbed the charger which my mom conveniently left behind and rushed down to school for meeting, then cheerleading.
Demoralised and pissed at myself for failing to do those stunts, for missing road relay training, for my indecisiveness, for so many things undone. christmas shopping, getting furniture for my room, not being able to perform at trainings, not going for bbqs, etc, etc. basically not being able to meet my own expectations.
Degeneration.. I'm losing the determination, the fighting spirit, the willingness to pia. I've realised i'm no superwoman, I can't have everything under the sun.
Alright, relax and enjoy, and stop being a perfectionist. it's the holidays after all.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/">What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

mom stop stressing me!!!!!!! stop asking me when i'm ever going to finish packing my stuff!!!! what's the hurry to move? I have no bed, no table, nothing so you expect me to sleep and write and do everything on the floor right? Is my blood really that sweet? I have at least 10 mosquito bites on each leg and they're itching like hell. idiotic mosquitoes, stop biting me!!!
It's been a busy and crazy week so far and it definitely is not good to be forgetful. damn.

It has been a while since I've had this feeling. The feeling of anxiety, excitement, anticipation for that moment when the horn goes off and you paddle like never before. And so I did it again today. A whole long 22km in the open waters on a k2. The start was really bad. Just imagine about 200 boats squeezed in between 2 bouys and the control boat shouting at everyone to move back when it was almost impossible to find a spot in the water to dig your paddle in. I think in the end the starter couldn't be bothered anymore and just sounded the starting horn. And so mass, or rather mess of boats went off, and I should be glad my paddles could touch the water though my hands kept slipping off. The next 2 hours or so was almost totally mental. We wanted to catch the boats in front, but seeing that it was almost impossible, I knew it was going to be an inner race between my mind and body. I kept telling myself I will do my best for everyone that wished me luck, for my dearest partner, and for your morning surprise.
The water was very unpredictable, calm at certain places and really choppy at others, with the aid of big ships that never failed to irritate me. But we survived the wind and the waves and crossed the finishing line. That was my first bronze medal. I prefer photos, so here it goes..














team NTU




















rachel and I

why are holidays even more busy than normal school days. I've been running around the whole of Singapore from place to place and going take a long mrt ride from boon lay to pasir ris for training early tomorrow morning... So busy that I have no time to stick to my words of blogging everyday. So here's a summary..
Hall 14 bash on tuesday. Arrived there very early and the fun has yet to begin, so we walked one whole round around clarke quay before finally entering gotham penthouse at around 10pm. The initial atmosphere wasn't that good and the music was quite bad. I was enjoying myself and stoning around until someone ordered shots. 1 shot down and I was high already, not drunk, just high and the real party began. The music got better, but still not very good. Wanted to leave early to get a rest before the next day's training, but I stayed all the way till 3am.
With 3 hours of sleep, I got out of my bed reluctantly for training at pasir ris with the help of caffeine. It was such a fun training. The feeling of sea water, waves, rubbish, dead fish. Basically the feeling of kallang. The water was not as bad as what I had expected. It just felt like kallang water. Well, you can say today was more like an expedition rather than training and I do like this kind of trainings. The best part was getting out of the boat along the sandy beach. Just like Kallang...
Ok, I'm super sleepy now and soon I be typing what I'm dreaming...
My wish list for christmas:
- a new pencil case
- a gym ball (55cm)
- a nice tan
- lose weight
- lots of new clothes and accessories
- a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle
- shop shop shop

The weekend has been busy but definitely fruitful and unforgetable.
Yesterday was the day that I completed my second marathon. Woke up as early as 4am to have breakfast and get everything ready so that I can be in the starting line for the flag-off instead of being in the toilet, as what I've been doing for the past half and full marathons. True enough, I reached there at around 5.20 and was just in time to mentally and physically prepare myself for the 42km run which began promptly at 6am. One thing I really like about the runs is that they always start on time, no matter if everyone is ready or not. I think that is called professionalism, and that's something Singaporeans should be ashamed about. Is it chinese in general or only here in Singapore where people leave their house at the time they are suppose to meet and the first half an hour or so of conferences or seminars is for registration where in actual fact is to allow for late-comers. I think I'm digressing. Ok back to marathon.
I cannot describe the excitement as I stood amongst all the other runners doing some warm-up and eagerly awaiting the flag-off. 5-4-3-2-1, and then the crowd cheered and I slowly made my way, with the crowd, to the starting line where I embarked on my 42.195km run. There was really a lot of people this year, but not to the extent that there was a jam. As my legs moved, as my heart beat, slowly, but surely, with every step I took, I was one step nearer to the finishing line. I think I should be really grateful to the canoeists whom I paced and their pace was quite fast for a marathon. There were times when I thought I couldn't catch up anymore and wanted to drop behind, but I knew once I slow down a bit, that is it. And so I pressed on. Man, it was totally mental. The Kenyan runners were unbelievable, their speed for marathon is faster than my 2.4 pace. The route for the first 15km or so was the same as that last year, as far as I can remember and it was yesterday that I truely experienced the so-called "runner's high". After the 21st km, I suddenly had this "high" that kept my legs moving despite the pain and soreness in my knees once in a while. I love running.
As compared to last year, the last 20km didn't feel as daunting, I counted up and down, and looked forward to the next drink station, hoping that there will be 100 plus. Power gel is really powerful. But I think it'll be a better idea to have a drink station nearer the powergel giving out point cos it doesn't feel very good to run with a mouthful of sweet gluey taste. Trust powergel for its instant power...
And so I made my way slowly past the 30km, 35km, 40km marks in the hot scorching sun. The last part was the real challenge. Almost everybody around me was walking, and the heat was almost unbearable. What made is worse is the fact that it was at marina promenade, a path that used to be so familiar. For someone like me who doesn't like to run a known route, it was hard taking step by step and knowing how long more there is to go. But I kept encouraging myself, for I know it's not the time to give up especially when I've already endured 40km, the last 2km or so is nothing. Determination, perserverence, whatever it takes to give me the last push cross the finishing line. I knew I could do it, and I did it. 5 hours and 22 minutes non-stop, not even toilet breaks. I thought my legs would give way after the long run and I would collapse on the floor, but instead, I felt a sense of satisfaction and happiness that nothing else could provide, for I know I've proved it for myself, I've won myself. Mind over everything, cliche as it may sound, but it can't be more true. Who is there to push you for 42km, to tell you not to give up, to give you a kick on the butt when you want to stop? No one forces you to finish it, no one can pull or push you for 42km, and no one can experience the triumph of a marathon finisher, no one except yourself.
Some interesting things along the way... I don't know whether it's a problem with the male bladder, but I've seen so many guys running to the drain to answer the call of nature. And if you think that's bad, wait until you see this sight: a fat indian guy (not that i'm racist) with a belly that could jolly well contain 5 big watermelons standing beside the bench in between the walking and cycling paths at east coast park doing his 'part' in fertilising the grass. What the .... trying to be a public nuisance and showing off his big fat dick in public. I also saw these 2 guys wearing bras over their singlet in support for breast cancer. How daring of them. Not to forget those sexy cheerleaders, helpers and ordinary people who made the effort to give a word of encouragement to every runner who passes. Then there was this guy whose singlet really struck me. Behing his blue adidas jersey, written in black was something that goes like this "in memory of my father/date (which I couldn't remember)/ lung cancer/quit smoking/don't start" I thought that was really touching.
Some tips for running a marathon:
- empty your bladder and large intestine before the run.
- apply sunblock (which I didn't)
- get a good pair of running shoes, so you won't get blisters. For this I strongly recommend New Balance, although the designs are not the nicest around, it's definitely worth the money and didn't give kme any problem for this year's run.
- wear as little accessories as possible (anklets are very capable of giving you blisters)
- not recommended to wear ankle socks although they are fashionable and looks nice
- don't run against other people, run with others and remember, you are your only competetor
- aim for the next 100 plus point or water point as you run
- run when everybody else is walking
- run in the shade whenever possible
- thank those people cheering you on and give them a high five if they offer.
- hydrate yourself
- encourage yourself
- think of those people who believed in you, and show them you can do it.
- most importantly, believe in yourself

I'm glad this year's stuff are sponsored by adidas, the design and quality of the shirt was much better than last year's but I think adidas should go back and revise the sizes. I feel squashed in xs and feel like i'm swimming in s.

Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon 2005 is over.
Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon 2006, here I come and hoping that I can beat this year's time

This is quite true, especially those in red....

Virgo women:
She will be similar to Leo woman in appearance. A slim woman who walks with confident and proud. She has an egg shape facial structure, high and round forehead. She likes to look straight as if she is searching. She is not a pretentious type and will always say what she thinks. You will see Virgo woman walks fast. She will try her best to be perfect, to look perfect and to feel perfect even though there is no such perfection. She is very delicate of what and how she dress. She is bright and easily despair with obstacles. She likes smart guy who will be compatible with her, so if you are a rich dumb guy, you can forget about her right now. She is not a very possessive or jealous person for she expect respect from her love one. She does not like a part time lover, or a temporary mate. If she finds her dream man, she will not go away. If she does not like you, she will always keep a certain ! distant. Act proper and appropriate is her discipline.

She does not like and can not stand bad languages, cursing words or phrase. She likes a gentleman who open the doors for her. She wants to feel protected and when a man taking care of her, she will feel like a complete woman. She memorizes everything about other people and about herself very well. She can really keep secret, you can trust her on this. She likes a refreshing and a mild scent. She is very delicate in maintaining her beauty, so you could see she is seriously picking soap which match and most suit her skin. Do not comments her on this very picky habits, it is her happiness in working full times as a self beautifier. She is not an innocent angle for sometimes she can be as tough as steel. Even she easily despair, she is not the type to cry over it. She is a shy type, so making speech in front of the room can make her nervous even she walks and talks confidently. She only search for true love , not just any love. Her love is an ideal one. She likes to think no one is neater and as effective as her, which can irritate you sometimes for there is no such thing. She likes sweet talk, but she can slip and say something unpredictable and unbearable to you too. When she stops getting mad, she will totally forget what she just said and be an angel again. If you have a date with her , you'd better be there on time. Flowers and sweet word can calm her down. If you want to say sorry , make it brief and straight forward. Do not drag your apologetic words into a long making it up events, it could lead you to another world war. She likes her man to dress nice and clean. She is good in details especially with money. Do not make she thinks that she is a clown or funny. In the beginning of knowing her, please try not to glance at other pretty woman so much. Early period of dating her, try not to hold her so much in public, it would not be a proper thing to do. She loves books, stage play and music and likes to criticize about them too. Criticism woman is her icon including big and small things in life starting from your hair, your dress , and the way you talk. If you are in love with her, be as almost perfect as your can.

Hall 14 bash on 6th Dec (tuesday) at Gotham Penthouse at 14 bucks, anyone????
well shall blog about other stuff tomorrow...

December is finally here, which means christmas is near. I think I've said I'll make it a point to blog everyday, but it seems like my holidays are super-packed.
Sports bash on tuesday was well, quite sad. The turn-out wasn't as good as what I expected, maybe because it's due to the rain and the fact that it's a tuesday. Or maybe I just wasn't in the mood. Tired from training and walking aimlessly in orchard. I think I can't get more kiasu than buying movie tickets for saturday on tuesday. Why do I have this feeling that Hall 14 bash is going to be worse. Sigh...
Woke up later than usual on wednesday (= 8am) and spent my morning hiding in my room reading magazine and sleeping. Relunctantly left my house after lunch and bought curtains for my room. It's so colourful and pretty. After that, I headed down to school to go for my first cheerleading practice. It was suppose to start at 7pm but by the time everyone arrived and we actually got down to practising it was already 8 plus. I love watching people do stunts for cheerleading but when you're the one getting carried and thrown around, it's another story. It's really a test of balancing and trust. I think the scariest part is the anticipation - standing high up trying not to tremble and getting ready for the second where support on your feet is taken off and you drop with the acceleration due to free fall. But it is fun fun fun.
Training today was very exciting. The waves and wind were worse than that in kallang. I was already cursing and swearing at the wind on my first km. And it started raining on the 4th km. The wind almost blew our paddles away and the waves pushed the boat forward. Normally the water would be very calm after the rain, but it didn't. What a good training for round ubin. At least it added some thrill into the boring long paddling.
I'm addicted to grapes and yoghurt. yum yum, and I think my mom is scared of my huge appetite for grapes. I can finish half a kg of grapes and crave for more. Is one's liking for food by nature or nurture? I think my sister is a health freak by nature and she doesn't know it. She simply loves vegetables and fruits, doesn't like chocolate or cream. She only eats the bread on burgers and only the chicken meat for kfc chicken and not the skin at all. And you'll be surprised at her ability to spit out the tiniest bit of fats in meat and tell you that the dish is too salty for her liking. Ok, she beats me in that.

the weather is crazy.. it was pouring in the bright sunlight just now and the wind was damn strong that it slammed the door and blew everything off my table. that lasted for 10 minutes and now it's bloody hot again. But at least I'm getting a nice tan, erm, take back the word nice, more like i'm getting a jersey tan.
yesterday was such a busy day, running around island. First I went to school to get my matric card replaced, then met my dad at westmall to get my new phone, and because I don't have my ic the phone is still under his name, which means he's going to pay for the bill for one more month. Then I went to lavender to get my ic. Seems like losing your ic is a very serious business. They made me do a write up on how my ic was lost and conducted an "interview". But the lady was really nice and although there's no such thing as great singapore sale at ICA, I got a discount for replacing my ic. With everything almost done, I headed down to town to get my atm card and of course, shopping. There goes my money saved from the discount. Met up with the programmers for dinner and yes, I caught harry potter after all. Well, not much comments about the movie since I am no harry potter fan and didn't fully understand the plot cos I didn't read the books.
I'm in love with my new phone. The pink one was so pretty but no I got the blue one instead.

the handphone chain is so bimbotic and it's a mirror on the other side, but i love it
















I think this is rather freaky....
I think I'm in love with blue

I'm fucking pissed with whoever that bastard with no integrity and no moral values to resort to stealing to satisfy his or her own desires. Well, more like I'm disappointed with the fact that there's this kind of people around and if the person is a canoest, I really have nothing else to say other than "you are such a disgrace". If you want the money, take it and leave everything else behind. Well, I hope I've terminated my phone and all my atm cards fast enough so you can't use any shit that's inside. Anyway it's time to get a new phone and all I can say is sorry dad, you can't have a phone with camera and radio cos a fucker has taken it. Alright, at least I've got a programme for monday. Go get my ic, matric card, atm card, gym card, ez link card replaced and go get a new phone. Well, looking on the brighter side, I can change the my ic photo (at a cost of 100 bucks) and a new phone. Maybe I should be glad that I have spent about 100 bucks these few days if not the fucking thief would have more money. But I love my wallet and I need my phone contact list cos the ever-so-forgetful-me only remembers 2 numbers: my home phone and my handphone. Nothing else.
Alright, at least I've satisfied my taste buds with chomp chomp's stingray and all the other spicy and yummy seafood. Can't believe I actually finished one gigantic mug of sugar cane while sitting there for 4 hours indulging in all yummilicious but fattening delicacies. I love spicy food. yum yum thinking of it makes me drool.
feeling lost and detached from the world now. a symptom of handphone-overdependence i guess...

It has been a long time since I last felt this satisfied with myself. It sure is great to cancel out things on my to-do list and I just cancelled 2 of them yesterday. Despite the rain that dampened the whole atmosphere and my mood for going out, I still carried my umbrella and walked happily out of the house. After a long bus ride, I finally arrived at HSA and excitedly made my way into bloodbank to do my good deed of the day - donate blood. And so now I have 350ml of blood less but feel a much greater sense of satisfaction. Although HSA is far, I prefer it there as compared to other blood drive centres and NUH, the nurses there are so much better and friendlier and they have much better refreshments than just biscuits.
Then was the event of the day - ktv the whole afternoon until 9pm. Certainly worth the money and singing makes you forget about hunger until food reaches your mouth.
The rainy season is here again. It's been raining on and off today and I stayed at home the whole day. Spent most of my time stoning, listening to music, eating, sleeping, reading and yes, doing jigsaw puzzle. Blame it on that ambitious little sister of mine who took my 1000 piece jigsaw. I'll call her a genius if she can finish it by herself.

rain, rain go away... the cold blooded me it wearing jacket and slippers at home and still typing with my icy cold fingers. Blame myself for eating cold yoghurt and watermelon for breakfast, shall warm myself up with a nice hot cup of tea now.
Although I have more free time now since the bulk of the papers are over, it seems like I've been blogging less mainly because most of my time are not spent at home or in hall where I have nothing to do but face the computer. Just 3 words to summarise what I've been doing these few days: train, work, play. Almost perfect way of life if only there's less work, but isn't that the source of income that allows me to shop and play? Don't call me a spendthrift yet until I start on real shopping spree. I love shopping but I don't have all the money in the world. I love food but I can't afford to eat all I want without feeling fat and guilty, and yes, I do love chocolates but I'm trying to resist the temptations so don't tempt me... I love running but I think I should listen to my knees and give them a break. I gave myself a scare yesterday when I accidentally shifted my right patella out of position and back again with just a slight pressure from resting my hand on it while doing the jigsaw puzzle. hate those bones on my knees. I think I have the joints of a fifty-year-old and I want a massage or accupuncture. I can't imagine how bad things will be when I'm old. It's less than 2 weeks away from marathon, I think I will rest for the last week and hope I can finish it, it's all in the mind...
The rain has stopped and I shall prepare to get out of the house. I've been going out everyday. Feels good...

Can't get myself out of this holiday mood when the fact is that I have one more paper to go. This is life. Seems like my holidays are going to be busy and I'm far from jobless now. Well, at least it will keep me busy and not waking up every morning not knowing what to do for the rest of the day.
Things that I want:
- a 5000 piece jigsaw to keep me occupied
- get an ear piercing
- get a new phone
- enjoy every moment

Never knew sleeping felt so good. 7 long hours of uninterrupted and stress-less sleep. Yes, 7 is considered long after being only able to sleep on an average of 3 hours per night. And so I woke up at 6am with my usual alarm clock and waited eagerly for there to be a bit of light so that I can go for my morning run round the campus. Then I decided to be a housewife and cleaned up my dirty and messy room. I can't say it's the cleanest room you can find but I definitely tried to clean up at least ninety percent of the dirt and hair and eraser dust. shh.. but I think the total number of times I mopped the floor can be counted with fingers on one hand..
Alright, I know I'm just trying to escape from reality and indulging in a transient moment of freedom and happiness. But let me be.. afterall, there's nothing I can do now except accept the fact that it's already over and what is done is done, or rather, what has not been done will never be done. Now I'm already starting to "mug" for my last paper by listening to songs and singing. Next "mass studying" session will be held at ktv.
Spent my afternoon stoning and sleeping at home. And don't try to persuade me to go to work when I'm suppose to be relaxing. If you're really that great, why doesn't anyone want to work for you? It's not a matter of IQ, it's a matter of EQ and I think you've failed in that aspect

My long awaited break is finally here.. went to watch sky high just now and it was certainly a good way to destress after so many torturous days. Now I'm back in hall and there's only 1 word to describe my feelings now. Tired.
This room is in a complete mess. I'm going to do spring cleaning tomorrow and leave it empty for a week.
I need sleep. good night

I suddenly have the urge to run out of the room now and get myself totally drenched in the pouring rain. Organic chem was not easy, and now it's even harder. What to do when your mind gets into a complete blank and I think even an open book test for this won't help much. But I'm not feeling the kind of shittiness, perhaps I'm just too tired to care. I want a break, I need a break. And now I'm trying to squeeze all the anatomy and physiology stuff into my congested brain. I think I need to dig out the unimportant stuff there to allow more space for useful ones. I think I've really learnt my lesson of leaving everything to the last minute. But I say and swear that I'll start revision early after every exam, but it never happened.
As I read and try my best to understand the notes, I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong with my stupid knees, which part exactly does the problem lie. I've been living with it since I knew the feeling of pain but still can't find the answer to solve it. It's only 3 more weeks to marathon and I want to complete it and still be able to walk after that.
Sigh.. back to the notes. Looking forward to tomorrow when I can finally take a short break. I desperately need to catch up on my sleep. I feel like a panda now.

My cosy little room at home is certainly not a good place to mug, especially when I could just swirl the chair around and jump onto my bed. I fell asleep so many times that my mind is almost in a complete blank. Help!!
Stupid knees are giving me problems again. argh

I was so tired when I got home from work yesterday after 10 hours non-stop of work. I can't remember what I did when I got home, but I think I tried to mug because I woke up at 5 plus this morning to find the lights still on and my favourite highlighter has dried up. I'm actually surprised that I woke up finding myself on the bed instead of sitting in the chair and getting a sore neck.
Well, one hilarious encounter during work:
Someone picked up a wallet that someone else has dropped and passed it to us at the counter, so we opened the wallet to see whose is it. It happen to belong to the girl who just went into the consultation room, so we waited for her and her mom to come out then passed it to her. After dispensing the medicine and passing her her mc...
the mother said the sentence of the day: don't lose you mc ar, keep it in your wallet."
you should have seen us burst into laughter after they left.

All the best to the canoeists who have embarked on their journey this morning. I'll glue my eye to the television and hoping for the good news. Yes it used to be our dream, remember the trainings we went through, the dreams we shared, and the times we had. That's all part of the beautiful memories now. I know you're enjoying yourself there, training like nobody's business for your new passion and I am here living a normal life and being tortured by the unsympathetic examination. But I gave up on it myself, do I regret? not really, I just didn't want to continue anymore. I wanted it to end, to leave only the pleasant recollections, but I don't think it's going to end so soon. Oh well, I really wish them the best of luck and I'm proud of them.
The noise from downstairs is certainly disturbing!!! Not that I'm blaming the Deepavali celebration, it's just that why can't all the performers sing in tune. They certaily sound horrible and now the emcee is laughing like a chicken. Can't they be more considerate??
Alright, I admit I'm easily irritated..

I'm halfway there, halfway to go. Please let this end as soon as possible. I don't like the feeling of forcing myself in that tiny little room, trying to force everything into that puny little brain of mine. I love uni life, just not the studying part. Perserverance.. and I will make it..
Back at home now and just realised that naughty little sis of mine is a complain queen. She's extremely proud of the fact that she had complained to her teacher that her friend didn't want to friend her anymore. Seems like the phrase "I don't friend you already" is still in existance and still as widely used.
I should be mugging now.. shoo

The hardest battle is the battle against yourself. And today I've fought this battle again and waiting for the results. Well, you can say it started with the shitty 104 paper, but seriously I think it's quite alright if I had studied harder for it and understood the concepts. I didn't, so that's why I'm here writing all these words of regrets and getting myself into this damn mood again.
I used to take exams so lightly because I know it is not going to affect anything. All I had to do was to give everything for 'O' and 'A' levels, which I already did and succeeded. But right now I have everything at stake. The consequences of me screwing up this exams, which I think I certainly will, is definitely more than just having to repeat it next sem. Seriously, I don't see anything wrong with having to redo it given the fact that I will have a better grasp of the subject. But no, it's not as simple as that..
Or is it that I'm expecting too much from myself, setting an almost unachievable goal and struggling to find my way there. Struggling very hard. Or maybe it's you that has caused all these pressure. You had always wanted the best to come from me. But I can tell you, sorry I didn't. I didn't get into Harvard, I didn't get the president scholarship, I didn't even get into medicine and I don't think I'm going to get first class honours and I definitely won't become the president of Singapore. I know you were probably joking but the rebellous me wants to prove you wrong. I want to give you the hit in the face and tell you "who says I can't.." Perhaps I don't have the opportunity anymore. So let's just mind our own business and live our own lives. I don't want anything from you and I don't want to depend on you for anything, but what if situations don't allow? I know that you have other things to worry about and I really don't want to become your burden. Alright, enough said, what is done, or rather what has not been done, is all over. In fact, I feel good now after a long walk back to hall from sbs. I love that place, the nice wooden tables and big unbrellas and the breeze. Not forgetting the wonderful salad at the cafe which never failed to make my day.
It's ironic how I had more msn windows popping up when I said leave me alone. haha, and I'm actually quite amused by it. And I really hope you can just leave me alone and don't irritate me especially when I'm not in the mood.
And I always look forward to weekends, although I know this one's going to be packed with study and work. Should I go training on saturday? Speaking of training, my whole upper body is acheing from weights yesterday and doing stick rotation the day before that. Just goes to show how long have I not utilised my upper body.
It's a month's time away from round ubin race and less than a month away from SC marathon. Gosh, how am I going to finish that with the measly amount of exercise and watching those muscles turn into fats.. help...

2 papers down and I'm counting down and looking forward to the day where I can walk out of the examination hall and say "holidays are here!!" French paper today was alright except for the section where we were asked to write the states in France, countries beside France, French cuisine etc, which I had left half of it blank. I almost burst out laughing at my initial intention of writing french fries as one of the french dishes, since I'm not going to get any marks for that question I might as well write something to make the marker laugh. The essay was quite funny too and the basketball court turned from cold to freezing so I couldn't take it anymore and left the court 20 minutes earlier to buy myself a cup of corns to give me more corny ideas for tomorrow's paper..
I confess I haven't been to the gym for more than 2 weeks and I was full of enthusiasm to have a workout after the paper today, only to find the gym closed due to exams and only opened from 6 to 9 pm. Seems like it's forcing me to go back to my room and mug.
Does fish really make one smarter? Seems like my mom believes in it as she has been cooking fish for me almost everyday last week, why do I not see the effects?

With my backpack and laptop, I am officially back in my cosy little room in pulau ntu. I think my roomie and I really cannot study with each other around, and now she's at home mugging after a one week stay last week while i'm back here. First thing that I did after unloading all my stuff was to sweep the floor. Not that i'm a clean freak, but the floor was too dirty.
Doing French paper in preparation for tomorrow's exam, not that it's easy, but it's definitely less of a torture on the brains.
Seems like I have no choice but work on Saturday... and the tagboard is back just for your info if anyone happens to see this
我依然是你的情人　我依然愛你最深

Finally it's here, the moment which I had been dreading. As I walked past the examination hall in the morning, seeing all the bags placed outside and people sitting for exams gave me a sense of nervousness that I have never felt before, not even for the big 'A's. But as I sat above the exam hall trying to do some last minute revision, the feeling of nervousness has turned into somewhat of an 'excitement' and 'eagerness'. Time seemed to pass so slowly as I couldn't wait for the paper to start and end. And so the time came, and passed, and I have one less paper to go. I will survive...
7867047748284640630382537

I can't wait for it to be over and yet don't want it to come. This feeling is like crap, I've never felt so unprepared for exams before and I don't want this kind of shitty start to uni.. But what can I possibly do in the next 15 hours? burn the books, notes, tutorials and eat up the ashes?
oh crap... always look on the bright sight of life...

477

2 lectures of biostats in a row is bringing me to laalaa land, and don't try to attain some peace by scolding a five-year-old crybaby because it certainly brought adverse effects. I don't expect much from this exam, just can't wait for it to be over when I can regain my freedom and enjoy life. I've given my promise and I won't break it, but what if things are beyond my control?
Alright, better get off the com now and let my lazy dad use it if not he'll be taking a whole-afternoon nap..
addicted to sour plums for the sugar rush and hoping they will keep me awake...
我会学着爱自己，是因为我太爱你...

My brain is saturated with bio stuff after one whole day of bio crash course and my stomach is filled with stingray that I can't function normally now...

I didn't realise that I haven't been to kap for so long until I pushed open the door and say to my surprise, a brand new appearance. The layout and chairs have changed and the sofa-like chairs definitely looked tempting and comfortable. Too bad there wasn't any available ones for me. I contented myself with a small table in a secluded area and proceeded with my mugging. The place was filled with students mugging for 'O's and 'A's that made me feel so old and knowledgable. I remember my last visit to kap was when I was mugging for 'A's, yes, it was exactly a year ago. Although it wasn't the most quiet and condusive environment for studying, at least the temperature was just nice. And thanks for popping by and surprising me with your presence and company, though I must have bored you to death by my desperate attempt to do my last minute revision. It wasn't a bad day, mainly because I didn't touch any bio stuff today. I'll save that for tomorrow...

Just as I turned on tmy laptop and was about to start my day of mugging today, my handphone rang and it says private number calling, so since I didn't want to miss any important calls, I picked up the call and yes, it was my dearest boss "inviting" me to go to work today cos one of the nurses took child mc. After an unsuccessful attempt of trying to persuade him that I desperately need to study, I still had to watch him cut up the gums to dig out the hidden wisdom tooth. Luckily it was a very short operation and I got to go home at lunchtime.
Trying very hard to do a 2 year syllabus in a week. C'est impossible....
Maybe I'm expecting too much....

I tried to go on full-scale mugging today, from school to millenia walk, and I hope I succeeded in looking like a mugger lugging my thick and heavy bio textbook around. In fact, I think I look like an JC2 student mugging for A levels since the textbook is an A level text. But what can you do if the brain's of limited capacity and has already reached saturation. I think I need a miracle...
and fish n co's ice blended drink is humongous, I almost got a fright when the big glass mug was served. But it was nice and never-ending.
I need to hit the gym tomorrow....

Isn't it strange how we gradually lose the sense of innocence as we grow up? How our birthday wishes are getting more and more difficult to realise? I remember birthdays being the most enjoyable day in the year, other than new year, I remember the joy and excitement of receiving and opening presents and making wishes hoping they will come true. But as the years pass by and life starts getting more hectic, birthdays seem to have lost that fun element. Although I still like receiving presents having friends to celebrate with me, the anticipation factor seems to be disappearing. Do birthday wishes really come true?
At least I should be glad I made my dearest girl elated with a few stickers. If only my wishes were so easy to realise. Happy birthday girl!!
I know your expectations, and I know mine better. so don't let me ruin my own life.

I don't know what gave me the motivation to drag my lazy self out of the house today for a run in the hot and glaring sun, but I certainly did not regret it. As I was walking out of my house, my inner voice was still telling me " you should be studying on this nice sunday morning and not get baked in the sun again.." but as I made the first step, the second, and went on, this feeling of enjoyment came to me, I guess this is called the runner's high. My legs kept moving and it certainly felt great. Just love running and it's the best way to destress.
The workaholic is finally taking a break next week...

Nice morning spent at macritchie today, paddling and talking crap at the same time prolonged the time taken to finish our self-initiated training programme, but it certainly made training more enjoyable. I think I just got 2 tones darker today, which is good.
And I did something which may only be done once in a life time - shopping with my dad for lights. Yes, your eyes didn't trick you. It's shopping with my dad for lights. Finally decided on the living, dining and my room's lights, and I want to go ikea to shop for nice stuff for my room!!!
Alright, enough of destressing.. it's time to get down to serious full scale studying for the exams.
-if i can have control of the calender and have things my way-

Still contemplating whether I should put my electives under the S/U system and the deadline is today. If I do, I'll relieve myself of so much stress to mug for them and have more time to study for my core subjects, but what if they do pull my miserable marks up?? It's like a gamble and I have a few more hours to decide..
Physiology test today wasn't too bad for the fact that most were mcq and true/false questions. I was laughing at my own answer for the question : heart attack is also known as_____. I hope he is lenient not penalise me for my stupid spelling mistakes.
I officially left my second home to return to my first home, leaving a very happy roommate behind who now has the honour of having a double-room-sized single room
looking forward to paddling at macritchie tmr...

Doesn't it annoy you how some people choose to slack and change the opening, or rather closing hour, at their own will? Well, I decided to try my luck at the NIE bookshop to buy a new calculator after my precious old casio 911Z disappeared miraculously 2 weeks ago. After a long walk from sbs, where I was studying until the sun went down, I finally found the bookshop. The door was closed when I reached there but the lights were still on and there was someone inside. I thought she was buying some stuff there too so I pushed the glass door, but it was locked. Then the lights inside were switched off one by one, so I figured out she was the shop keeper and was switching off the lights. I looked at the clock, it was only 6.50pm when the official time for closure is 7pm. What pissed me even more was that she looked at me, and pushed the door, walked away and never appeared. Initially I thought she was going to get the keys to let me in, but I waited for about a minute or two and there was still no sign of her. So I figured she must have pushed the door to make sure it's locked and left from the back door or something. Excusez-moi, what kind of attitude is that, and it's not like it's 6.59 or something. Alright, at least I had my daily exercise from walking one big round NIE and back to my hall carrying the heavy anatomy textbook.
I'm so glad French oral is over, so much of anxiety (not really actually) just for that few minutes to answer a few questions. I think I spoke a total of less than 30 words, but who cares, it's over and that's all that matters.
Alright, thing to focus on now: study for the dreadful test tomorrow. It's only half of the syllabus and it's enough to kill me.

gasp.. I can't believe what, or rather who I saw today, for a split second, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I've decided to walk to my only lesson today and in the most secluded place of my short cut so that I don't have to climb the slopes, I saw a figure so familiar, so unmistakable.. Shaun Ho!! why do I see him everywhere? scary...
Alone in my room now in front of my laptop reading anatomy notes and seeping nice and hot green tea. Haven't visited the gym in a week, this is not good....

My greatest sense of achievement today is none other than the completion of my 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle that has been lying on the floor for at least a month or two. I know I should spend the time mugging, but at least give me the satisfied feeling of accomplishing something can? Anatomy and physiology is interesting to read, but when it comes to memorising for the test, please spare me.....
I'm just as unpredictable as the weather. It was unusually bright and sunny this morning, but the rain poured down all of a sudden. It wasn't just a rain, it was a thunderstorm which subsided in less than half an hour. Maybe it was just a sudden outburst of emotions, or maybe it was reality after a morning of pretence?
I realised we're the controller of our own life and how we want to live.

I didn't forget to blog yesterday, just that I couldn't get into the internet connection from my laptop in my room. I'm back in school embarking on another week's battle.. and I will survive..
Birthday celebration yesterday again and this time we must thank MacDonalds for supplying us all sauces for playing, and I'm glad I'm still clean.
I hope you can get yourself out of the blue and stop worrying about those stuff. I can scold you, wake you up, but who is going to give me a wake up nudge. Maybe it's me, myself and I.

after 8 hours of work today.. Je suis très fatiguée.... haha.. blogging and revising french at the same time.
i was trying to be a hardworking girl and study yesterday, but i spent most of the time trying to find a nice place in my house for that, all due to the fact that my dearest table lamp broke last week, meaning the table in my room was too dark for studying. so i tried the computer room, which was quite dark, but my mom insisted that the table lights in the other room was working, but it did only after a few unsuccessful tries so for about half an hour or more, i was shifting my stuff from room to room before the lights decided to behave themselves. and trying to do organic chem equals doing nothing much at all. why is organic chem so hard??
why are some people just so irritating.... don't you know you're just testing my limits? sometimes, and indeed almost everytime i just feel like telling you to fuck off and leave me alone. who the hell do you think you are... alright, this is not the place for vulgarities

have i finally rediscovered the fun of canoeing after more than a year?? training today was great and i simply did not regret going.. with the freedom of deciding on our own programme since it was an unofficial training, rachel and i decided to obey lesley to train for round ubin. our initial plan of paddling for one and a half hours, stopping after every half hour for water breaks was overcasted by our sense of enjoyment. the pace was perfect and we didn't felt like stopping after the first half hour so we've decided to change our programme to 20km. it was certainly the most enjoyable trainings i've ever had since the beginning of term, except for the little blister on my finger and abrasion from life vest. i think i just got tanned today. great..
since nobody in the family knows how to appreciate the beauty of dragon fruit, i just had one whole fruit to myself. i can just imagine those little seeds churning in my stomach, haha. i love my new laptop casing which i think was meant to be a pencil case, but it fits my laptop perfectly and it's much cheaper than an original casing. i love my new purple fbt shorts too.

Should I be thankful it's friday? or does that mean exams are just getting nearer? Well, today was a rather relaxed day with a very good start. I finally got the chance and time to go for my long run which left me in a good mood for the rest of the day. I'm rather proud of the fact that I didn't fall asleep in class at all today, yes I know semester 1 is already coming to an end but better late than never...
It seems like the workers are more eager and prepared for exams than we are. Wanted to play badminton during the long break today but when we reached the badminton court, we realised it was already half-filled with tables and chairs, so we decided to try the tennis court. This is when it made sense for badminton to be an indoor sport because the wind was just too strong for playing. So the ultimate solution: playing bridge at the grandstand.
Keep the mugging momentum going...

Is there something wrong with blogger or is it just my com, the page takes ages to load. Well, I've made it past today, with 2 tests one after another, what a test marathon day. Biochem was quite bad even though it was only mcq, blame it on my laziness; french was alright, now the big worry would be oral next week.
Doesn't life feel like a battle? I was fighting to finish my assignment last week; mugging for tests yesterday and trying to finish my lab reports now and this weekend. I've to clear the burdens before it starts to pile like a mountain. Perhaps it's a good way to keep my mind focused and stay away from all those frivilous and trivial stuff.

i shall make it a point to make a little contribution to my blog everyday.
gym today again, love those gym balls and that steam shower where i can lie in that misty room, lose myself in paradise, sing my favorite song and let my sorrow flow with the sweat.. will heaven be the same?i think i've been thinking so much so that i dreamt of you last night, details are censored.. but what does that show? yes, i'm thinking of you, i can't forget you and i wish that you were here, to lend me a shoulder, to lend me a hearing ear. be with me in this dark and lonely night. watch the sun rise above the darkness to shine a sense of hope.
that was my dream last night, will it become reality? or will we let this chance slip by again?
alright, stop dreaming and get back to studying. biochem and french test tomorrow..

I’m surprised to find myself still in one piece as I woke up in that lonely room. I thought I would never have to face the world again, I thought I had the courage or rather the stupidity to do so. It has happened so many times that I don’t know when it started. All I could remember is the thrill of self torture, like that of a knife piercing through my heart and brain. Have I lost my mind or have I lost my soul?
For how long more will I let my mood rise and fall like that of the tide? Yesterday I found the satisfaction after a self-study session at the library and gathered the pieces of me at the gym. Even though it was rather crowded, I felt the emptiness and loneliness within myself, like I’m wandering in a lost world of my own, finding my self-worth and existence. My legs moved on the treadmill, my eyes fixed on the television in front of me, my heart beating like it should and my arms by my side, occasionally grabbing the towel to wipe away my sweat. Everything was in their respective position and performing their respective roles. Everything except my mind. Perhaps I should be glad fatigue has set in early enough to take my mind away from the darkness. Perhaps it has pulled me away from the brim. I want to run away from this world, into a paradise where I can find beauty. Somewhere where I could forget all the unhappiness and start anew. I want to run until my legs break and my heart collapse, until I’m drowned in sweat and lose myself. I would have ran to neverland had it not been the people around me. Their sense of confidence and friendliness raised the spirit in me. Yes, maybe it’s not the end of the world yet, maybe things could still change.
Today I’m alone in my cozy little room again. I love the lonely cooling nights when I can let my thoughts run wild; when I can hide my face in the pillow and let my tears flow like nobody’s business.
No, there are so many things that I can’t let go. And there are too many nice people around. Although I may not show or say it, it certainly made an impact in my heart. I feel like I owe you so much, for everything that you’ve done. You let me have things my way and made me realize the world is still beautiful. Yes there is still hope of finding the light at the end of the tunnel, but will I eventually make my way there?
Don’t worry about me, I’m perfectly fine but let me have some peace, will you?

there's so many things going around in my mind right now that i don't know where to start with. school work is getting more and more hectic, having to meet deadlines for assignments and lab reports and not forgetting revision for exam, which i have not started. i came to ntu telling myself that studies will be my top priority and i'm going to go easy on ccas and other activities, but it seems like the other way now, returning to be cozy little room at 10 or 11 every night and by the time i settle down, i'll be too tired to do anything constructive. if this is the situation now, i don't know how i'm going to survive coming feb or march, with dnd, x-physique and training for sdba. at least i'm mentally prepared now.
i have never had this feeling before. i used to think it was all so dumb until when i realise it might actually happen. please don't let it go to that extent.