I’m surprised to find myself still in one piece as I woke up in that lonely room. I thought I would never have to face the world again, I thought I had the courage or rather the stupidity to do so. It has happened so many times that I don’t know when it started. All I could remember is the thrill of self torture, like that of a knife piercing through my heart and brain. Have I lost my mind or have I lost my soul?
For how long more will I let my mood rise and fall like that of the tide? Yesterday I found the satisfaction after a self-study session at the library and gathered the pieces of me at the gym. Even though it was rather crowded, I felt the emptiness and loneliness within myself, like I’m wandering in a lost world of my own, finding my self-worth and existence. My legs moved on the treadmill, my eyes fixed on the television in front of me, my heart beating like it should and my arms by my side, occasionally grabbing the towel to wipe away my sweat. Everything was in their respective position and performing their respective roles. Everything except my mind. Perhaps I should be glad fatigue has set in early enough to take my mind away from the darkness. Perhaps it has pulled me away from the brim. I want to run away from this world, into a paradise where I can find beauty. Somewhere where I could forget all the unhappiness and start anew. I want to run until my legs break and my heart collapse, until I’m drowned in sweat and lose myself. I would have ran to neverland had it not been the people around me. Their sense of confidence and friendliness raised the spirit in me. Yes, maybe it’s not the end of the world yet, maybe things could still change.
Today I’m alone in my cozy little room again. I love the lonely cooling nights when I can let my thoughts run wild; when I can hide my face in the pillow and let my tears flow like nobody’s business.
No, there are so many things that I can’t let go. And there are too many nice people around. Although I may not show or say it, it certainly made an impact in my heart. I feel like I owe you so much, for everything that you’ve done. You let me have things my way and made me realize the world is still beautiful. Yes there is still hope of finding the light at the end of the tunnel, but will I eventually make my way there?
Don’t worry about me, I’m perfectly fine but let me have some peace, will you?