i realised i should never made resolutions and swear that i'll keep to them because they never happened. first was to sleep before 11 everyday but look at the time now and i've been sleeping around this time for the past few days and waking up early. second was to refrain from eating chocolates, but seems like i've been eating chocolate bars everyday and i don't know if it's psychological or it's really the sugar rush, but training feels better after eating chocolates. well, at least there's something for me to be proud of, and that is i haven't drank coffee at all since the end of exams.
it's already a month into the holidays and i don't know if i should be glad or sad.. glad because i don't have to touch books anymore for these 3 months at least, and that to me is a huge relief. sad because i can't realise all my holiday plans. isn't it strange how you badly look forward to something and when you actually get it, the feeling of excitement/euphoria doesn't seem to exist. maybe it's just me, but i was so impatiently looking forward to the end of exams but after my last paper, it wasn't the expected feeling of happiness and relief. instead, i felt numb/lost and tired, very lethargic/exhausted, as if i just wanted to go home and have a good rest. in fact, i think i had more fun planning for my holidays than living it. i planned to be a good sister, to send my little sis to kindergarten and back everyday, teach her stuff in preparation for school, go swimming with her, doing a fun job and making some money while having fun, like working in an ice cream shop, spend my free time sun tanning, jogging, canoeing for the fun of it, gymming and attending classes like yoga, and how can i possibly forget shopping, ktv-ing, travelling, sleeping, there's so much things to do and it felt like there was so much time to do it.
and now i have to squeeze everything into the days when i'm free. majority of my time comprises of training, not that i hate it, but it does gets boring at times. sometimes i'm in the mood to really focus on training and strokes etc, but sometimes i'm just so sick and tired of it. on the last lunch in JB during the retreat, when jr was talking about why he doesn't want to try out for national team again and he said this phrase which really struck me: once you're out of it, you can never get it back again.
is it true? i've been pondering over it. perhaps. i remember lifting freaking heavy weights in that little weights room, running intervals like mad on the track, doing pull-ups like nobody's business, paddling my heart out at kallang river. and now? i don't know... i came back from sibu and tried a 2.4 just to see how's my running now and it was very disappointing, can't even sub 12 for 2.4 when i used to be able to do that for intervals of 2x2.4. after that i struggled to get my chin above the pull-up bar, which used to be no-kick. perhaps things should just have stopped at the peak because it's quite impossible to get another higher peak. perhaps you're right.
sigh, ok, ignore all my incoherent ramblings, it's 2am in the morning. time to sleep