i know this sounds real silly, but for the past 24 hours or so, i've been thinking, and searching, for just one good reason for me to live.
i am such a burden, such a worthless thing. all i do at home is to mess up my room, leaving mum to clear it up everyday when i go to school, eating up all the food she buys and cooks, and screaming at everyone who don't let me have things my way. school is just another total piece of crap. i just can't bring myself to pay attention in class, not to mention revise and study..
i've been trying to search for a reason for the depressness and i haven't found it. i can't pinpoint any reasons, or just one good reason that led me into this state, but neither can i find a reason to be happy. yes, suicidal it may sound, but i'm still searching for that one good and solid reason to live.
this morning was especially bad and the rain just had to make things worse. if not for mom who found me such an irritant and chased me out for school, i may have just ponned school. no, i wasn't afraid of the test, because i have already given up on it.
yes, me the bloody loser, seeking comfort in self denial, given up on studies, and giving up on life. i am not even half as strong as what i seem to be, because no one has seen the real me. the weekend of rowing and running felt good, at least the physical fatigue gave a transient escape from reality and took my confused mind out for some fresh air, it didn't last long. one thing that i want to do now is to cry, to hide my face into the pillow and allow all the pent-up emotions flow out.. but i bloody can't get the freaking tears out...
as i was enjoying my sunday jog yesterday, bringing my new running shoes out for their maiden voyage, i had nothing better to do than listen and appreciate the lyrics. here is one line which made me ponder. the song it comes from is pretty obvious "没人能把谁的钕幸福没收，你发誓你会活得有笑容。你自信时候真的美多了”
so much easier said than done..
really tired.. just let me sleep and not wake up