i've only submitted my first and final draft for fyp and i'm already in the holiday mood! i know there's still lots more to correct, a poster to do and so i brought myself to school early today hoping to get back my draft early, start working on it and be done early so that there's time to party tonight. sigh, i guess that's my only motivation to work on it now.
this morning at 2am, instead of re-looking at my thesis, i sat in front of my screen, surfing the net, chatting with people and sipping my cocktail and thinking about things. for a person who just want to immerse herself in that moment of happiness and doesn't think far ahead, i don't think i have the best answer to all these unresolved issues. but i still believe life's a choice, and i chose it to be this way. when it comes to making a decision. i choose to escape.
a month away from my departure, i used to look forward to that day where i can walk through the departure gate, wave goodbye to my family and friends, start a new segment of my life in a foreign land. no more naggings from parents, no more unhappy memories. but now i'm not so sure. maybe that will be the day when my heart which is made of ice can melt and i can shed a tear for everything and everybody i can't take along with me.
perhaps i'm pessimistic, perhaps i'm fickle, or maybe i'm just being realistic in that i don't want to make a promise i can't keep, a commitment i can't abide to, a feeling i can't guarantee it won't change. i know, i'm just escaping, because i'm afraid..
perahps someone should teach me what is true love, what is commitment, and teach me how to cry..