一直以为‘死亡’这可怕的两个字跟年轻的我们还有一段长远的距离，一直告诉自己如今努力地读书是为了美好的将来。但谁能掌握自己的命运，操纵自己的生命。努力地付出，不断地奋斗，为了那单纯的目标，梦寐的理想。是啊，老天就是要这样作弄人，让你得到了一切却又不能拥有它。一个接着一个的噩耗又怎能不让人心酸，以往就在你身边有说有笑的朋友如今已到了那个叫天堂的神圣地方。或许他们真的到了那安全的地方，或许他们还一直在照耀着地球上的我们，但这一次的告别铁做的心也会碎，冰做的眼角也会落泪。
“水能浮舟，亦能覆舟”我想如今我已深刻地了解了这句话的意义。
是啊，人生自古谁无死，如果说生命不在于长短而在于活的有没有意义，或许就是如此吧。
即使留下深深的疤痕，再大的伤口也会愈合，只能说告辞了。安息吧。

turning into a hermit at home and even cooked dinner myself cos i was hungry and it was raining and i just didn't feel like stepping out of the house.
and my head's going to explode soon. can't think anymore..

you call it synopsis, i call it the curse of the golden chamber! let me out of here!
i've been trying, really really hard, to tell myself to hang in there, not to give up, but is it working? really really tired, all i want to do now is sleep, cover my head with a big fat pillow, shut my eyelids and let the mind rest!
and it sucks to be at home all alone on a saturday, totally. it's leading me to self destruction..

visited my alma mater this morning to collect my sister's 'high achiever's award' for being 4th in class, cos she's off for holiday with mom. didn't mean to be late but i underestimated the morning traffic. i remember the days when i had to watch the buses zoom pass the busstop, all packed with people and feeling relieved when i could finally squeeze into one. the walk in from coro seems much nearer than i remembered, and yes, as i walked up to the hall, i heard the school song which haunted me for almost 10 years. wow, it's been a long time since i last sang it. the school's totally different now, most of my teachers are not there anymore, but some memories remain...
and i got my 7th earhole pierced yesterday. the whole process was done in less than a minute and it was surprisingly not painful. the girl in the shop convinced me that it won't drop off cos it doesn't have the back part, but i'm quite sure i'll just yank it off some day while drying my hair or something. and it was only when i reached home that i realised something more of a concern - i have no idea how i'm going to stuff an earphone in! ok laugh at me...
perhaps my pain tolerance has increased, or perhaps my heart's hurting even more to feel that bit of external pain. teach me how to smile when i have to learn about the news just before my first paper, when i read the blog entries and see the msn nicks. teach me how to smile when i have to face the four walls of the house, the loneliness written on them, the fact that i've to settle my own meals, tidy my room, mop the floor, wash, hang, iron clothes, remembering to collect letters, close the windows, water the plants, feed the hamsters and fishes. ok i'm just a spoilt brat..
sigh, makes me wonder again what's the most important aspect of life. perhaps it's the bliss of having it..
farewell..

when you listen to a song, do you listen to the melody or the lyrics? i do both. more of the melody when i hear it for the first time and subsequently the lyrics, especially when i bring my shuffle for a long run.
been listening to jay's new songs, and looking at the lyrics at the same time. quite a variety, light-hearted ones, oriental ones, and of course sad ones. i like this one...
from "蒲公英的约定"

已经长大的约定 那样清晰
拿过到的我相信
说好要一起旅行
是你如今 唯一坚持的任性

是啊，我们曾经说好要一起去旅行，不知道你是否已经忘记，曾经许下的约定，如今已成为无言的结局。


（后记：
我不难过了　
甚至真心希望你能幸福　
当我了解你只能活在记忆里头

我不恨你了　
甚至原谅你的残酷理由　
当我了解不爱了
连回忆　都是负荷　

我不恨你了
甚至感谢这样不期而遇　
当我从你眼中发现我已是
陌生人了　
我已是　陌生人了）

my only weekend not having to work was spent at home because i can't decide on a better place with nobody to disturb me. i guess the only highlight was saturday, when i finally had the chance to go out for family dinner. and my mom was happy to give a treat because she striked toto for the first time and won a grand total of...... twenty dollars. wahahahha, not even enough for dinner, which was just a simple meal of tze char at the nearby coffeeshop, cos my sis was complaining of a stomachache and wanted to rest at home, so we didn't want to be away for too long.
and when we finished eating and dapao-ed dinner for her, she was still not well, tossing and turning in bed. and then vomitted her lunch all over the bed! and i just happen to be studying the chapter on "呕吐哕下利病脉证治第十七" thanks for being my first-hand real-life example! and the golden chamber tells you that "朝食暮吐，暮食朝吐，宿谷不化，名曰胃反。" and that "胃反呕吐者，大半夏汤主之。"
and no prize for guessing where her dinner went, yes, into my stomach as supper.
counting down to d-day and pressing the panic button is no use if i don't do anything about it. this ought to be the most "slack" semester with only 2 core papers ending exams before everybody else, but i'm spending half the time sleeping, eating and cutting hair in my room! and i just can't freaking memorize all the crap! well, at least my elective tutor was nice and convincing enough to promise us that it is impossible to fail, though very hard to pass with flying colours. just don't let me prove him wrong cos i just need S for satisfactory, and i have attended all the lectures though i spent 90 percent of the time talking and the other 10 percent sleeping, and can't be bothered to borrow or photocopy the textbook, since i figured out that 'open book' = 'answer cannot be found directly from textbook'. just hope i can crap and bluff my way through.
and i am allowing myself to become fair and flabby, thanks to the rainy season and the inertia to step out of the house.

it's been a long while since i ran on the treadmill cos i hate running on the same spot, having the machine to control my speed and nothing better to look at other than myself in the mirror. but thanks to the rain yesterday morning, i had to resort to my last alternative. there was nobody in the gym until this auntie came and the first thing she did was to swtich off the aircon! leaving me sweating like a pig while she happily WALKED on the treadmill next to me. not that i'm obsessed with how many calories i burn, but i really doubt the accuracy of the counter on the machine. i ran for 40 min (including warmup and cooldown), switching between intervals of higher speed and slope to break the monotony and it says i burned about 470 calories! (and i did change the default weight on the machine) sure or not??
and no, i'm not an exercise freak who spend hours working out everyday, but running is addictive and i realise my body can't wake up and i can't function for the whole day if i don't sweat it out in the morning.
speaking of running, stan chart is a month away and i haven't got time for long runs. just hope my lungs, legs and shoes are nice to me. and speaking of counting down, exams are in less than 2 weeks and i haven't managed to find a textbook for the open-book paper. haha. wish me luck..
i haven't disappeared, just not wanting to appear...

if it brings me a step closer to my dream, if it could let me make it through these obstacles, even if it brings death nearer to me, brings with it pain, tears and blood..
i don't think there's any alternative
till it's over, i'll fight along, be strong..

anyway...
happy halloween!!
and
happy birthday sista!!

mom made the blackforest cake and i'm all red and ditsy from a tiny little glass of red wine.

many people have asked me why am i studying TCM, and i am not going to lie to you and say because i am so interested in it and it's my dream to become a sinseh bla bla bla. of all the various little factors that led me into the course is due to the fact that i do not believe in tcm. i used to think it is absurd how drinking different kinds of dried plants and poking needle through your body can do so much wonders, like bringing a dying cancer patient back to life, making a paralysed person able to walk again etc.. mainly because i've not seen or experienced it for myself. hence, i embarked on this long journey to find my answer.
i haven't found it, but along the way, amidst all the info overload and headaches, there were times when i do see a bit of light.
last saturday's internship was certainly one of them. the acupuncturist i followed is a classical example of a 老中医. his hair may be mostly white, he may be old, but i do have to agree that he is indeed charming. we may not have learnt acupuncture before but his very brief summary and explanation makes it sound so easy. and seeing him planting needles into patients makes it look so easy. i will not forget the scene where he inserted a 4 inch needle from the exterior side of the knees ALL THE WAY in. it didn't come out from the other side though i think it's almost there already.
and there's another patient, a lady in her 40s i guess, who walked in like any normal person, looks quite cheerful and talks quite a lot. had he not mentioned her medical history, i don't think anyone can tell that she suffered from a stroke a year ago and was wheelchair-bound when she first sought treatment from him half a year ago.
i'm indeed very impressed...