oh my gawd i am a total disgrace to the existance of mankind! I got a shock of my life when i saw reflection in the mirror after my German paper. with eye bags so big due to the lack of sleep, and the double chin, those love handles, 'bye-bye' arms, thunder-wobbly thighs, fat ass, due to all the rubbish i've been ingesting, like one jar of nutella in 2 days(?!?!?!) and the super blemished skin, thinning hair, plus the oversized t-shirt and folded jeans, basically nothing pleasant to look at... yes, i'm ugly!! it's really time to do something about it.
alright, today marked the end of uni year 2 with the most stressful paper ever. but instead of walking out of the exam hall with joy, knowing that the worse is over, i felt more lost than anything, not knowing what to do for the rest of the day, the holidays, and just kept wondering is everything worth it? all the time spent mugging, the tears and blood shed, the damage done to my body with all the nights, the binging in comfort food, the dependence on caffeine, which seem to have lost its effect, the mess in my room, and the neck-ache cos i have been sleeping in the chair. and i do hope my mom won't get a shock when the electric bill comes. yes, all these for just 2 and a half hours and my mind never fail to go blank when i stare at the paper, and with my ability to spot the wrong questions and what's more MY BLARDY PHONE ALARM WENT OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PAPER EVEN THOUGH MY PHONE WAS SWTCHED OFF!!! yes, WTF!!!!!!!! beware when you put your alarm as 'ring everyday' and 'auto power' on your ss phone.
yes i should just be expelled from school, sometimes i really wonder if i regret taking this course, now that the course is getting so popular that interviews are conducted, my 2 cents worth of advice is, really, think carefully. 5 years of your youth put under extreme levels of stress, with a lifetime of uncertainty after you graduate. if i were given a choice... i want to start with year 1 again, cos i think i've wasted 2 years, ending up with miserable results that may even have a problem getting me a job next time.
alright, can someone pull me out of the state of depression.......
it's time to get back to normal life. sleep and eat properly!!

just when i thought how meaningless my life is, it came across to me i should be thankful i have the ability to even complain. just last sunday when i was going home from work (which ended at 12 midnight!!) i saw this girl collapse on the ground at the telephone booth. initially i thought she was crying so hard, perhaps due to some groundshaking news received over the phone. as i was quite a distant away, i just walked past and didn't think much. but as the car drove past her, the 2 banglars stopped the car and asked if we knew how to speak chinese. apparently, the china girl was on the phone with her friend when she suddenly collapsed on the floor and they couldn't communicate with her friend, who was on the line, in chinese.
and so i immediately got out of the car to check on her. she was sitting on the ground, with her hands were clenched over her chest and was gasping for air. i tried taking to her, asking her what's wrong but she seemed too breathless to say anything. and so i picked up the phone and asked her friend what was wrong. her friend sounded so relaxed and told me it's ok, she has a weak heart and just get a cab for her and send her home. hello?? your friend is here uncontrollably gasping for air, it may be a life and death matter...
at that point of time, i thought of 2 things to do, one is to call the ambulance and two to call my doctor, hopefully he will still be around, since i just ended work about ten minutes ago, and see if she can get any professional immediate medical attention. but she insisted she's ok, and reassured us that she just need a bit of time to catch her breath. well, she looked a lot better than a few minutes ago, at least she could talk and move, so we just sat with her and made sure she was ok. i felt so useless, as a pseudo medical student and a sinseh-to-be, i couldn't do anything to help her. and seeing that she was a lot better and had people to attend to her, the 2 banglars left (not that i'm a racist). one of them said something like "although you are not s'porean, but you're still human.." i think she was lucky they were there to give her immediate help.
after sitting down for a while, she was a lot better and i found out that she was a student at np and she had a weak heart, on long-term tcm medicine. and this happened before but it was the first time in s'pore. perhaps because she hasn't been taking the medicine regularly recently. we sent her home after that. hope she's ok..
sigh... yes, i have seen right before my own eyes, tcm is indeed effective. but i'm starting to doubt the value of education. i am sure education has thought us to help and care for one another. but isn't that something that ought to be innate. i am pretty sure the 2 banglars are not highly-educated, probably just workers on work permits, but they tried their best to help, and only left when she was a lot better and we said we'll stay to look after her. perhaps the old saying of 人之初，性本善 is indeed true. and what has education done when undergrads point the gun and take lives of so many innocents?
yes, there's really more to life than studying and grades..

if there's going to be a parenting workshop or some parenting 101 course, the first thing that should be taught is...... how to make your kids SHUTUP!! why do parents think it's very cute of their irritants shouting and screaming and disturbing everyone else?! don't you just feel like stuffing cotton into their mouth or something? alright, i think i'm just so not destined to have kids, not like that's on my list of things of concern now...
and i think caffeine has a dual purgative action. besides being a diuretic, it also has laxative effects....
And must i mention how boring and monotonous it is to study for the last paper? it's just a matter of time before i totally give up, and that always happens on the day before the paper itself. sigh...
well, at least yesterday i finally did what i have always been wanting to do, heh, no regrets yet.. and i finally had a good 6 hours of sleep on my bed..

It was really saddening reading the front page article of today's wobao, on the increasing number of people who opt out of HOTA, and on how some people are just living everyday waiting, for the day that they might get a matching organ for transplant, some even taking desperate means just for that glimpse of hope. And so many are depriving them of that hope.. why?? I don't know if it was coincidential, but i was reading the article on the train-ride to HSA to donate blood. Don't ask me what made me travel all the way to do it, but somehow i just had to do it. I think everything in me, my organs, my blood etc are worth so much more than i am worth. sigh.. i am just a good-for-nothing.. oh well, i still certainly believe there's more to life than just studying and getting a good grade. So what if you're the most intelligent, richest, most knowledgeable person in this world when all you can do is lie there and wait for death to take you away. And do take everything in me, especially my immune system, which makes me almost impossible to fall sick. And do leave my brains behind, they are useless...
Alright, give me the right to be depressed and be impulsive, like how I am today... Gosh, i guess I'm really tired, my head feels like it's going to fall off my neck anytime...

nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i'm gonna eat some worms......
i think my presence at home is a total disaster for everyone. i can never be more distracted by my lappie and the things around me, not forgetting food and the bed!! hence, efficiency = zero. and my mom is totally making a big fuss and can't wait to kick me out of the house because i never fail to mess up the room and deplete the food supply at home. and i can never exist in total peace with my dad without snatching the internet connection or the toilet, especially to bathe in the morning, and my sister is just can't stop talking!! and when she starts screaming either because my mom scolds her for watching too much tv, not practising the piano properly, not sleeping, not eating properly, or when she gets in my way and what not... that's it man.... noise pollution!!! and i am positive that the electric bill for this month will be high, with me leaving the laptop, lights, radio, aircon on the whole night.... yes yes mommy scream at me!!! she even told me to find a job or do something constructive this holidays, do anything but stay at home!!
bah.... sucks
and i have gone insane to go swimming at 9pm with no lights in the pool (are they trying to save electricity??? hello, we're paying for it..) and just went to run a 2.4 this morning at 6.30am!! and how can i forget studying on the cross-trainer machine or the bike in the gym...
hmmm i think i am crazy enough and i shall be.... hahahaha

我已经厌倦了这样的等待，我已不想每天戴着微笑的面具，你的冷漠冰冻了我的心。算了吧，就让一切都算了吧，就像两条直线，只有一次交错的机会，一旦解开了就会越来越远。
现在的我只想把自己封锁在没有烦恼的世界，时间一分一秒地过，我却只是眼睁睁地看着时光飞逝，等待着一个奇迹的诞生。算了吧，这是不可能的。
心中有多少难言之隐想找人诉说，却又难以启齿。我知道这都是我自导自演的悲剧，但却越陷越深。不想再玩这个猜测的游戏，多想告诉你，谢谢你，在黑暗里微微地照亮了我的心房，让我有个依靠。我很庆幸，却又害怕。。。

why am i letting my mood take over me again??
just when i thought today would be quite a good day, considering the fact that i actually shut down my laptop, swtiched off the lights and went to bed last night, and waking up feeling rather refreshed this morning. and from then on, everything seem to have gone wrong. had a close encounter with a stray dog early in the morning when i was jogging in the dark, half blind as usual. i was just 1 meter from it when i realised it was a dog. i just stopped short and froze, for that split second, i didn't know what to do, and was so scared that it would attack me. luckily for me, i think it was more scared of me and just scrammed away. phew.. and then the morning traffic and long wait for bus took me an hour and a half to reach school!!
and of course, school totally sucked. can't help getting stressed out by everything and everybody around me and the good old me just accidentally pulled out the buttons on my shorts in the middle of class and had to use a clip to keep my shorts on me. bleah...
i was already trying very hard to control myself not to scream at people in the library this afternoon, after the stressful day and when you had once again disappointed me. i couldn't find a better way but to delete all your messages from my inbox and blast music into my ears...
yes, tomorrow shall be better...

taken from wiki, there you go...
Narcolepsy is a neurological condition most characterized by Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (EDS). The main characteristic of narcolepsy is overwhelming excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS), even after adequate night time sleep. A person with narcolepsy is likely to become drowsy or to fall asleep, often at inappropriate times and places. Daytime naps may occur with or without warning and may be irresistible. These naps can occur several times a day. They are typically refreshing, but only for a few hours. Drowsiness may persist for prolonged periods of time. In addition, night-time sleep may be fragmented with frequent awakenings.
People with narcolepsy may dream even when they only fall asleep for a few seconds.

i think i seriously suffer from sleeping disorder. not insomnia, but the opposite. I've never failed to amuse myself at the ability to sleep anytime, anywhere, not forgetting my daily routine of dozing off in class even if i sit in the first row.. and for the past 2 days my bed has been used as a dumping ground for all the things that i don't want on my table, and my most convenient place for sleeping is no other than the chair. and last night i've done the most classic. i decided to take a break and did some pushups to boost my energy level. and so after 20 miserable pushups i lay on the ground, initially just for a stretch and relax, and yes, I FELL ASLEEP!! face down, flat on the ground! i am good lor. luckily my mom didn't come into the room, if not she might have thought i fainted or something.

i have been and i am trying, not to think about things and to be good to myself. i've given in to the fact that there's not much time left before the papers begins. it's definitely not good to have so many things clogged up in my mind, so much so that there's no space for important stuff.
but it's hard, almost impossible. i can't help but to let my mind wonder and drown myself in confusion and agony. why why why???? it's just too wrong...

i really did try to sleep early and wake up early last week, it was like catching the 12am sleep and hopefully waking up early enough to get something constructive done. but it was a half failure. i did sleep at around 12 but my alarms just fail to wake me up early. just yesterday i was reading this month's shape magazine on the importance of adequate sleep, such as to keep off those extra pounds, improve memory, good skin, reduce risk of diabettes, heart problems etc etc. 8 hours of sleep a day? that's almost an impossibility for me, 8 hours in three days seems more like it. and now that the car pool service has ceased, i think i have to wake up at 5.30am for my daily morning run, gym and to gueue for the bus and reach school on time for lessons...
i think i am just an exercise freak who will feel uneasy for not doing something physical everyday, especially running.
if only we could run away from all the complications in life, not letting them eat us up and only adds misery to life.