prelude..

叶子是不会飞翔的翅膀
翅膀是落在天上的叶子
天堂原来应该不是妄想
只是我早已经遗忘
当初怎么开始飞翔
孤单是一个人的狂欢
狂欢是一群人的孤单
爱情原来的开始是陪伴
但我也渐渐地遗忘
当时是怎样有人陪伴
我一个人吃饭旅行(到处)走走停停
也一个人看书写信自己对话谈心
只是心又飘到了哪里
就连自己看也看不清
我想我不仅仅是失去你



就这样， 背着背包，带着勇气，以及一颗兴奋的心，踏上了这个远离喧哗的城市，到了国际边界，上山下地的旅程。
在短短的一周内经历了春夏秋冬，在平静之中度过了国庆与中秋；看到了壮观的大自然，独特的民俗；感受到了无境界的友情与爱

lost. not knowing where i'm from, where i'm heading towards..
going on a trip to forbidden land, not knowing whether i will make it back in one piece. till then, happy holidays!

i shall stop complaining life is boring, before it gets too much for me to handle. the past few days have been full of news about makes and breaks, lives and deaths.
on monday, a patient had a fall in the toilet, injured her head, had 4 stitches, went for a ct, almost couldn't make it out of the radiology department as the intracranial pressure was too high due to cerebral hemorrhage caused by the fall, causing her to seize every half an hour. forgetting to add that she has aplastic anemia with low platelet counts and one of our teacher's mother-in-law. her condition's quite critical and unstable now, i hope she'll be fine.
today, i watched a 83 year-old man die. he was unconscious in the morning, and doctors were trying to keep him alive the whole day while waiting for his sons to arrive. all i could do was to watch. watch his bp drop to almost negligible, watch his pupils dilate, watch doctors do cpr, watch nurses inject adrenaline, dopamine etc to keep his heart beating, watch his heartrate fall to zero, and finally, watch him being covered by the white sheets. he was diagnosed with lymphoma 7 years ago, escaped death when the tumor grew so big it obstructed his airway, he made it through chemotherapy at that old age. he was a fighter. his death was not unexpected, but it certainly wasn't a nice way to end the day touching his icy cold hand and watching the line go flat.
that's life..

the problem with doctors when they are too specialised is that they will consider whatever signs and symptoms the patients present them falls under their specialty. i'm not doubting their expertise nor saying it's bad to do tests and get a thorough checkup, but is it really necessary? out of respect and to not make my life miserable, i managed to voice out my opinion in a very nice tone, i hope.
no wonder they say ignorance is bliss. would you rather get checked from top to toe, knowing every minor defect your body has, taking different drugs or herbs prescribed by doctors from every department for preventive or treatment purposes, restricting your diet and levels of activity? or would you rather live the way you want, enjoying good food and your favorite activity? i definitely choose the latter. because for every department i go, i seem to learn that something is wrong with me medically.
so western medicine or tcm? i choose nature. seriously, i think i make a better patient than being a doctor.

meanwhile, celebrating national day at the embassy was quite fun. first time getting a nday goodie bag (DHL-ed from SGP). and not surprisingly, i was more interesting in the buffet spread than the ceremony

3 weeks into final year and 2 weeks of clinicals, so far so good. i was initially a bit disappointed to start off with dermatology, one of my least favorite, but it wasn't too bad at all, in fact, anything beats dozing off in class, doing last minute revision for the endless exams. but i guess it won't be long before i complain of a 8 - 5 life in white coat and stethoscope, so that means no more shopping! and tgif means time to let down your hair (literally), no need to sleep early, find somewhere to chill, to eat, or just stay at home, do housework or just slack around before the whole cycle begins again. can't believe i went to the museum last weekend and really fell asleep while waiting, and while watching a 10 min video. that's museum for me. though i must say the museum is very new, with many exhibits on display, it's foc, but not easy to find the place. i think next time i'd rather rot at home than rot there. haha

now when everybody has graduated and started working etc, i'm finally into my final year as an undergrad, realising that my 'golden week' holiday in October has been gobbled up. seems like it's always better not to have your hopes too high..
the last day of year 4 was celebrated with our first movie in the cinema here. finally caught transformers. not bad. and it certainly felt good to be a student with half price for movie tix instead of the ridiculously overpriced 70 yuan (that's like SGD15). that was just the start of the longest day.. a quick dinner followed and then shopping till the mall closed.
the night was still young and that was just the start. without even a chance to hit the pillow, we bathed, packed and headed down to the train station to catch the 2.30am train to 秦皇岛, in search for the smell of the sea. instead, we returned with unexpected and unplanned adventure.
bad weather, no cheap for accommodation cos we were foreigners, not-very-friendly tour guide, but a rather unforgettable experience.



highlight of the trip. loved the boat ride.


the great wall on water. not in our planned itinerary, nor in our research, but great place with fantastic scenery (less the foggy weather)

sitting on the wall wearing a hat weaved from leaves which i found on the ground.

fear is what keeps me going,
memories keep me dreaming,
reality wakes me up
and hope is why i'm still living..

till the day when reality strikes,
when hope is gone,
when i have no more fear,
when i'm just part of the memories..

mediocrity is not a crime, nor is it a sin. but being just plain ordinary when it's within your capability to jump out of the box is unforgivable.
knowing that we were brought to this world not just to see each day pass by, or to countdown to our next holiday.
hate to admit, but i refuse to settle for good when there's always the better, and will never be satisfied with better when there's always the best. but at the end of it all, knowing that what was done can't be undone, and that there's no way of reaching that goal, at that very instant before the finishing line, i give up.

已经放弃寻找那童年的纯真和微笑，已经不再渴望那单纯的幸福，因为那已是永远失去的过去。

desperately in need of some inspiration. to update this blog and my brains..
perhaps it got fried in the huge oven i'm living in, or maybe it never existed. reaching the midpoint of 2009, and the past few days has been quite unexciting, except for the blazing hot sun and the gushes of hot air that's higher than body temperature. now i can't decide which is worse, winter or summer?
what a difference a month makes, a year...
and now it's 2 weeks to the end of the school semester..
a couple of crazy but feasible ideas just came to my mind recently.
looking forward to..
july: post-exam fun!
august: hear the merlion roar!
september: family time!!
october: maybe marathon?
see? who says i live by the day?

因为想一个人而寂寞
因为爱一个人而温柔
因为有一个梦而执着
因为等一个人而折磨
因为想一个人而解脱
因为爱一个人而宽容
因为有一个梦而放纵
因为等一个人而漂泊

曾几何时，你变得那么陌生？那深情的眼神，那温暖的怀抱，以及那内心的寄托。好的，坏的，一切都叫回忆，一切都曾换来欢笑和泪水。为何如今是那么的冷淡，却又如此心痛？
曾几何时，我也变得那么陌生？已不认得自己，控制不了自己。悲伤化成了眼泪，却又不尽微笑地嘲讽自己的愚蠢。
我是谁？

tell me how to go on,
when the more i learn about tcm, the more i think it makes no sense, totally crappy and no scientific basis! obviously after almost 4 years, i have not convinced myself...
so what do i do now?

once in a while, we do need to get away from the daily routine, away from the busy city, away from the world controlled by expectations and level of accomplishment.
10 days ago, we got on the coach, travelled about 10 hours north to the grassland where we were greeted with wine, music and dance, where the horses took us across the grassland. then the camels took us around the desert. where i realise at the end of it all, nature is still the best...
once in a while, we do need that moment to ourselves, to break free, to indulge, to make mistakes. why do i let that once in a whiles happen so frequently?

made the fonts a bit bigger and easier on the eyes and let's see if youtube videos can be posted..

"etiquette requires that you use chopsticks neither to chop nor stick"

testing testing
looks like we didn't pay the misc fees for nothing! =)

get out of me! little devil!!!

夏末的那一阵热风吹绿了树梢的嫩芽，却吹落了那在寒冬后带来温暖的樱花。
当我们以轻快的歌声唱着“春去春回来，花谢花会再开”时，是否察觉到那毕竟是明年的春天，不是那已凋谢的花。
祝：夏天快乐

overdue photos from shanghai, hangzhou and suzhou trip 3 weeks ago when it wasn't even a holiday. now tell me what am i doing here on labour day holiday?

day 1 was spent in Shanghai, after a long overnight train ride in a typical overcrowded train. (and it wasn't even a holiday or weekend la) As compared to those who didn't buy tickets early enough and had to stand or spend the night sleeping on the aisle or on the basin outside the toilets, I'm not complaining for having a seat.



that's right, xiaolongbao!! the second pic is soup in a bao and drank using a straw.
yummy!! but definitely overpriced.

day 2
took the morning train to Hangzhou, found the hostel which is just beside 西湖, put our stuff down and embarked on lunch and walk around the lake.






山外青山楼外楼，西湖歌舞几时休，暖风熏得游人醉，直把杭州作汴州！






and the day ended with dinner along the foodstreet and a walk around the area.

day 3: Suzhou







in short, food, parks, flowers, river and not enough time.

有多少爱能重来?
多少人愿意等待?
失去之后才明白
走进回忆的安排
一幕一幕的对白
上演我们的未来
期待原来是一种伤害
深爱的人一离开
是我不敢忽略你给我的爱

现在我只想
回到最初的时候
不愿让你再泪流
寂寞之后只有你会陪着我

现在我只想
回到最初的时候
我知道你还爱着我
亲爱的你请你握紧我的手
请你看看我
请看需要你的我一切重头
真的需要你的我只要你回头

现在我只想
回到最初的时候
不愿让你在泪流
寂寞之后只有你会陪着我
现在我只想回到最初的时候
我知道你还爱着我
亲爱的你请你握紧我的手
请你看看我
真的需要你的我只要你回头

如果生命可以重来，我想我现在不会在这似熟悉却陌生的城市，听着一首首曾感动我的歌。
如果能回到过去，我想我不会愚蠢地踏上这条漫长又弯曲却没有方向的道路，更不会放弃那美好的一切。
为何只能感受到你的哀愁却感染不到你的幸福？
你的幸福只能衬托出我心底的空虚，心酸的浪漫。
说只在乎曾经拥有只是对于不能拥有天长地久的自我欺骗和安慰，
也是认识到曾经拥有的不会再重来这残酷现实的勇敢面对者。

so sick and tired of being who i am or who i'm trying to become. no direction in life at all..
feels like my brain is not back from its holidays yet. can't bring myself to start studying again. random little thoughts and distractions just keep popping out in my mind.
i see the old me appearing again. somethings should never be lost and some better not be found.
the bottle of vodka's opened, cheers anyone?

山东04.04 - 06.04
day 1 in 济南




day 2 climbing 泰山.
10am to 8pm. up and down the mountain. 1545m vertically, 7000+ steps, about 20km of walking and braving the crowd!!
best souvenir: VERY sore legs

setting off..

人山人海 literally..

the toughest 500m..

almost to the peak

finally reached!!

the way down wasn't easy

走到太阳下山了

finally made it down!

day 3 in 曲阜 - home of Confucius


that's how he looks like supposedly

幸福是早晨起来喝一杯热咖啡或奶茶；
幸福是沿着河边，听着音乐，晒着春天的阳光，在红花绿叶的陪伴下慢跑；
幸福是中午啃个大苹果，吃袋凉拌菜，一串冰糖葫芦；
幸福是下午准备晚餐，喝碗热汤；
幸福是晚上钻进温暖的被窝睡个好觉；
幸福是上个星期游山，这个星期玩水；
原来快乐是选择，
但那是真正的幸福，还是只是快乐？

just when i was admiring the blooming flowers and leaves growing from the bald trees while jogging in the park yesterday, it snowed today!! just a little but wth!
almost died of boredom staying at home the whole day, watching youtube and looking at food and recipes. yeah, i've a paper tomorrow but tell me how to concentrate and study when the brain's too occupied thinking of how to keep the body warm? wearing 2 layers of socks now but where are my toes?
i should be learning about viruses and stuff, but looks like i'm having more fun experimenting with microwave..

speaking of drastic weather change, how about experiencing winter to summer in less than a week? just last friday it was still at freezing point with wind so strong that we were glad to even make it to sch in the morning. then was nice and sunny spring which changed to a close to 30 degrees summer today!
in the midst of planning the holiday trips and places to go on weekends, the fact that exams are less than 2 weeks away hasn't set in yet. i do admit it feels less stressful than last sem, more time at hand to sleep more, run more, but when good is never enough and competition with the little voice in myself and strive for perfection never ends, satisfaction is almost impossible.
delusion and self-denial crashed when my mind reached its semi conscious state, and it all came back in my dreams.
really enjoy running along the river, even though it may end up as a dream that never realised, the process would be all i ask for. perhaps it was never a passion lost, it just needed to be found again.
花还没开，树还是光秃秃的，难道春天已过去了？
如今明白了为什么人们常说美好的事物大多都是短暂，但庆幸我没错过这短暂的美好，却也知道过去的就不会再回来。

one and a half weeks into my second sem here and i've been keeping to my new sem resolution. well, i guess it's not that hard when the resolution is play more, study less. 2 ktv sessions, a trip to tianjin and more trips to come. watched a few movies, shopping, been going for long runs in the cold, and sleeping at 12ish everyday. too much time??? better enjoy now before the workload builds up.
if i'm crazy enough to run down the river, finding where it starts and ends, there are people even more insane to swim in the puddle of water surrounded by ice in trunks, coming out of the water, wrap a towel and change out of his trunks in public!!
or did stress and fyp bring out insanity in others? then i should have stabbed someone, slit my wrist and jumped off the building long ago..

back in the winter, back to the house where much time was spent making it home, back to the room and study table which kept me company through the dark nights, back to my favourite bedtime activity of cuddling in bed with my laptop.
we finally went to sing ktv, very cheap, very big and fanciful room with 1 big screen and 3 small screens, disco lights etc, and best thing of all, perfectly decent.
somethings are best left as it is, some needs another breakthrough. another mission impossible, should i or shouldn't i??
goodnight world

当以往的狂欢共乐已成为今日的孤单芭蕾，
当熟悉的画面已面目全非，
当纯真的快乐已无法进入心灵，
终于体会岁月不留人，
挥手告别童年，
情人节快乐。

then there was the most horrible train ride back on 人日. that was when i learnt 'non-aircon' doesn't imply temperature, it implies 'smoking is allowed'. and so i endured more than 15 hours of secondhand smoke, people eating, spitting all over. almost died of boredom too before i finally made it back to BJ to do my post-cny spring cleaning.
then was my first time taking a plane alone. speaking of kiasu-ness, i nominate myself for reaching the airport half an hour before check-in started (that's 3 and a half hours before the flight). luckily i had shows in my laptop to provide some entertainment.

如今又回到了这里，这熟悉的环境，熟悉的面孔，熟悉的感觉，仿佛一切又回到了昨天。

还是让我用中文写完这春节的中国游吧。年初三的三更半夜，我从温暖的被窝里爬出来，坐了五个多小时的车来到了这次旅程中的第三座山－黄山。说是三日游，实际上只在山上呆了一天。
第一天的安排是山下的自由活动。我们的第一个景点是九龙瀑。还以为山下活动只是坐坐车，拍拍照，没想到要走那么多路，那么多阶梯！不过为了这些景物，是值得的。


有山有水，一路上绿色盎然，加上走得满头大汗，根本没有冬天的感觉。



像不像一只乌龟？


看完了水，该是看石了。于是我们到了下一站－凤凰源


头上戴朵花的癞蛤蟆



远看像两个棺材



近看像四个美女



从后面看像一个拳头

猪八戒吃西瓜

毛主席的头


虽然旅馆每晚给开8个小时的空调，但山区的冬天一点也不暖和。
第二天，我们正式上黄山。但天不作美，让我们碰上了阴天。

从旅馆窗户看出去已是一片雾蒙蒙，山上的雾更是可想而知。


说是旅游淡季，也是人山人海。我们坐缆车，在云海中从陆地消失，真像升上了天。


手机石



睡美人？还是男人？



在山上冒着风冒着雨，走了一整天就为了看这棵迎客松。


人说上山气喘，下山腿软，的确如此。
又在山下过了一晚，吃了一顿手冻的连筷子都拿不了的晚餐，第三天早上我们就坐车回去了，结束了黄山游。