taking a breather, taking a break, i finally found myself out of this constrained little city. The one-day Batam retreat simply put, was a shopping madness adventure.
Left home early in the morning to catch the 8am ferry to Batam, where the shopaholic was about to start on her mission. Did some typical touristy stuff, like visit touristy shops where things were going for so expensive, had quite a sumptuous seafood lunch followed by a cultural performance. It was short, but good. What's more interesting is the shocked expressions on some of our faces, watching in disbelief how they could eat burning charcoal, and munch on glasss as if it was a cookie.
And then came one whole afternoon of shopping. Quite a fruitful one. Went back with bags and bags worth of goodies. Well, the best part is not having to spend my own money. I think that's the only good thing about shopping with moms. mobile atm.
I remember the last time I went batam was when i was in primany school. Maybe it's because we visited a different part of the island this time, but the feeling is totally different.









we were tourists at the shopping mall











hmmmmm... yummy yummy

so much of the retreat, I still have to come back to reality.. sigh... can't wait to my holidays..

staying on the 25th floor gave me the privilege of a nice scenic view.











now this is what happens when the haze came... and that was on a psi moderate day..
sad isn't it?
It has been a hardworking weekend for me, not in terms of studying, but working. 6 hours on friday, 7 hours on saturday and 5 hours on sunday. Not that i'm complaining when I do make money from working. In fact, I had a real sunday yesterday. Went jogging and paddling in the morning, went home, bathe, eat, sleep, go for work. Isn't that how sunday is suppose to be like?

And there was yet another case of suicide by jumping down the MRT platform. Has it really become the coolest way to die? Or do these people just want to make their death so widely publicized? Reading the report on the guy's family is really saddening. Living in this generally affluent society, it is hard to imagine there are still people so poor they have no money for transport to claim the bodies of their family member. Although I do take pity on the family, I still think it was very irresponsible and selfish of him. So many people had to be affected just because of his one moment of "courage" or stupidity, there are so many ways to die a impactful death, why must one choose the disruptive way?
Ok, I do admit that the thought of committing suicide ever crossed my mind, but I would never do that, because I don't have the courage to. I don't have the courage to forgo the future that may be so beautiful; I don't have the courage to take that step and torture myself; but most importantly, I don't have the courage to let my loved ones suffer because of me. Ok, I think I still love myself to a certain extent...

Sports appreciation night followed by a sumptuous dinner today. I think the highlight remains in the food. A wide spread of meat and pastries, salad and they even had a chocolate fondue. Ok, I think that's not the main point of the whole event. Certificates were given out, videos and speeches were given. Speaking on the topic of sports, I'm starting to wonder what's the definition of sport. This is what is given by wikipedia: A sport is an activity requiring physical ability, physical fitness or physical skill which usually, but not always, involves competition between two or more people.
Seems like sports is getting more and more political. Sports is no longer a mere physical activity which one can enjoy, it has everything to do with money, funding, elitism, and all those illegal and ugly means of pushing performance to a higher level. I do agree that it is competition that motivates people to aim for a greater height and to challenge what was thought to be the impossible, but what about more important aspects in sports such as sportsmanship? if SPIRIT represents Sportsmanship, Perserverance, Integrity, Respect, I(i forgot this) and Teamwork, I think sports is gradually losing this spirit. Sad isn't it?
Ok that was food for thought, it's 3am, time to sleep...

one night of running and a whole week to recover. gosh, facts have proven that my body is certainly aging. Today I finally put on my running shoes, overcame the power of inertia and went out for a run despite the bad weather. It felt good to get moving again, 3 days of not running and i'm starting to feel the withdrawal symptoms. Try running, it's the best way to destress, healthiest way also, as compared to eating.









That's us after the run. See the shagged faces?
I seriously need an external hard drive to keep all the photos, and ink cartridges are not cheap at all, especially when your dad printed a million of photos using the printer and when it finally runs out of ink, he happily says "orh go buy it yourself lor" maybe i should print notes in shcool instead.
Running makes you tired.. think I should sleep soon...

Am I not suppose to use the word, since it will be against my future job scope? But that is how I feel. Died. Yes, everything in me has died. The passion, the believe I used to hold so strongly, the determination and focus, everything.
I want to escape from reality again and go back to the good old times. The times when I could excel in what I loved to do, when I had more self-control and motivation, the times of innocent and sweet love.
Ok, it's just me getting into my depressed self again. It's the time of the year... haha. Sorry if I am not behaving like myself or neglecting people around me. Feels like I just want to spend time by myself, reflecting upon the things that happened and I have done.
我真的想回到过去，过着那单纯的生活，我讨厌镜子里的自己，我向往以前的我。但我也知道这一切是不可能的了，过去的美好时光，如今已是只能回味的往事。我害怕找不回那种感觉，害怕失去你。。。

Am I not suppose to use the word, since it will be against my future job scope? But that is how I feel. Died. Yes, everything in me has died. The passion, the believe I used to hold so strongly, the determination and focus, everything.
I want to escape from reality again and go back to the good old times. The times when I could excel in what I loved to do, when I had more self-control and motivation, the times of innocent and sweet love.
Ok, it's just me getting into my depressed self again. It's the time of the year... haha. Sorry if I am not behaving like myself or neglecting people around me. Feels like I just want to spend time by myself, reflecting upon the things that happened and I have done.
我真的想回到过去，过着那单纯的生活，我讨厌镜子里的自己，我向往以前的我。但我也知道这一切是不可能的了，过去的美好时光，如今已是只能回味的往事。我害怕找不回那种感觉，害怕失去你。。。

running 2.4km sounded easy. 1 hour rest time sounded like a lot. but when you put them together in a duration of 12 hours, you get 9 x 2.4 which is more than 20km and almost no sleep at all. i am still appalled by the fact that we actually did 2.4km intervals through the night. it is certainly one of the crazy things i did this year. from the initial energized and enthusiastic runs, or rather sprints, to the gradually slower runs and the reluctant departure from the comfortable sleeping position, which is none other than lying on the ground outside the rooms so unglamorously, and finally the last few rounds which was almost impossible to carry ourselves up the slope. but i must say it was certainly an experience of a lifetime. although we missed the chance of getting the prize money, it was an excellent training for standard chartered marathon and a night to remember. my legs are aching now..

and so I did, one whole afternoon at lwn, indulging in the best things in life - books and notes. What a torture to look at pages of "ants" sprawled all over the paper and trying to memorize phrases and sentences which totally makes no sense in today's context. I think the headache from trying to memorize is much worse than the haze outside. I think my memory is certainly failing me, so much of not using them.. serves me right
alrights, something interesting stuff for the day..










see the thing picked up using chopstick? it's a worm found in Can A ban mian. So next time look before you eat if you don't want added protein..

it has been more than 2 months since i last blogged and now i'm counting down to the days of exam and holidays. As for now, I must heave a sigh of relief that BMS203 is over and both my lab report and assignment have been handed in. So for now my only worries would be exam, yes very big worries. Even with the pressure of the warning letter and the almost impossible GPA to meet, I have no motivation to study at all. I know I should stop complaining since it was my choice to take up this course, but I absolutely abhor BMS202! Worse subject that I've ever seen!! Alright enough, start memorizing and stop whining!
On a lighter note first, this year I had the best birthday surprise ever. On the actual day of me entering my 20s, my mummy gave me a huge box of rocher and my dear little sister also gave me chocolate and played me a birthday song. I was almost melted by her sweetness. Ok sis, I shall be nice to you for the time being until you start being your usual demanding self again. But nothing beats THE SURPRISE you planned for me after sava first day. I really jumped and screamed in shock when I opened the door walked in and heard a "SURPRISE!!" from the goup of crazy friends. It left me in shock for the rest of the night. But it was soooo sweet of you!! I feel so blessed and loved!!! muackz... haha ok, I'm so guilible, easily pleased and innocent, right?

Well, of course there was sava sprint. Cannot say that it was the best of our dragonboat races, due to the lack of trainings and to a certain extent our complacency, but I must say it was vertainly an eye-opener to see the Philippines team race. Their frequency was madness!! wonder where they get all the energy from. And I won my second medal as the drummer. The aggression was more than anything. With every determination to pull away, to win, be it for the school, for themselves, for havaianas, or whatever reason. It was sure inspiring to be on the boat, seeing the guys grit their teeth and plunge their paddles into the water, tensing up every muscle and pulling the water hard, screaming, shouting and finally pulling away from the boat that was thought to be impossible to beat, but they did it. The sense of achievemnt, knowing that they had done it, written on their faces after crossing the finishing line was unmistakable. I think i will let the feeling stay there, paused. It sure is exciting to see your team win a race, but the feeling of watching and actually rowing and earning it is definitely different. No havaianas for us, but somethings gained which cannot be bought.

Alright, end of season, time to study. Help!! I need the motivation, I need the strength..
I'm scared..

'most dreams die a slow death. they're conceived in a moment of passion, with the prospect of endless possibility, but often languish and are not pursued with the same heartfelt intensity as when first born. slowly, subtly, a dream becomes elusive and ephemeral. people who've let their own dreams die become pessimists and cynics. they feel that the time and devotion spent on chasing their dreams were wasted. the emotional scars last forever. "it can't be done," they'll say, when you describe your dream, "you'll never make it."'
- ultramarathon man by dean karnazes

once upon a time, i dreamt about living in a beautiful big palace having everything i wanted. then i dreamt about living in the moon. as i grew older, i dreamt about being the best in what i do, i dreamt about being the top student, being a president scholar, marrying the guy who will become the president and live my whole life in luxury. then i dreamt about being the singapore's fastest canoeist, smartest and prettiest girl.
yes i was greedy, i was insane and i thought i could do it.
but look at me now, i am nowhere near any of these dreams. people always say we must have big dreams and aim high, but now i choose to be realistic. yes, no more of that supergirl who could do everything. sometimes i look back a wonder, what is the purpose of life. my dad asked me that one morning and i told him, i want to be happy with whatever i do. he shook his head and immediately replied, i'm so disappointed with you, not even planning ahead and only aiming for such simple goals in life. i know you want me to be your pride and i think i've already done enough, i'm sick and tired of hearing what i should be doing and achieving. it's not that i don't want, it's that i really can't do it anymore.
sometimes i really ponder about this question: is it worth it? for all the time and effort i've put in, all the sacrifices and at the end of the day no spectacular results. perhaps i really shouldn't have even started. girl, it's time to take a break, go breathe the fresh air, let loose and just follow your heart.
please, let it go....
(i'm super sleepy now.. to be continued when i've time)

so it was 3 months of intensive insane training for the 2 days of proving ourselves and now it's over. results were quite expected and the winners really deserve what they should. i believe we have already done our very best, set our new personal best timings, even if it wasn't good enough to get us a gold medal. we rowed our race, put our heart and soul in it, started, burst, ended knowing that it was the best we could give. i don't know how to describe this feeling, on one hand, i am happy for clocking my best timing, on the other hand, there is still this unfulfilled desire to get what is the best.
i remember when year 1 sem 1 started, i got a phone call from our dear lesley asking me to go down for training, half-heartedly, i went, thinking that i would probably use it as a chance to get some exercise and to see how the trainings are like. but i stayed on, i don't know why. maybe it's the hope of achieving something for the school, to do a bit of what i can. then there was round ubin, mr500, sdbf and now ncc.
i remember the last day of exams marked the first day of our full time training. it was madness indeed, when others are enjoying their holidays, working and earning money, we spent almost everyday in macritchie, soaking up the sun, devoting our whole holidays to canoeing. the crazy mileages we did, almost 30km a day of paddling, spending half the day in the water and the other half eating or chilling out with one another's company, crazy stuff we did, many food we ate. then came the first month anniversary, then higher intensity training, then a big headache deciding the line up, freezing our brains with icecream while thinking and only finalising it last minute.
tonight was fun. chilling out at brewerkz, stuffing our face with food and beer and games of indian poker, marking the end of this season. tomorrow will mark the start of 7-day long sports camp. after that it would be one week of break and finally school will start again. i must say luckily ncc is near the end of holidays, if not i really don't know what to do after that.
round ubin follows, which means training is not going to stop. should i be glad or should i be sad? part of me wanted to bid goodbye to canoeing a long time ago, but the other half me can't bear to leave the fun we had, the times we spent together...
i'm back to the state of confusion again.... someone help.....
ok someone please give me some photos to post up... really tired now

it's been a long time since i last blogged.. so just a quick update of things that happened while i was busy or rather just lazy blogging..
SDBF was an exciting weekend especially sunday's PM cup, ntu managed to get back the PM cup trophy with just a less than 0.2 second difference. I used to dislike dragon boat, cos it's tiring and makes you ache on one side, but after that weekend's races, i've seen what's called a real fight to the end, refusal to give up and giving it your all, as if there's no tomorrow. as for our mixed boat, i dare say we have no regrets when we left bedok, though we missed the gold by just that millisecond, but we were close to impossibility. and it was my first "men's open" medal, haha. drumming is fun...
then there's crasy nights spent watching world cup, sy's birthday party that we all went so crazy, so high and did lots of stupid things, really lots of stupid things. not forgetting pigging out, dimsum buffet, oh man, we love food.
then there's senior's camp, 3 hours of sleep in total and everyone completely concussed when they got home. i slept from 7pm till around midnight when i was so glad i managed to wake up to catch the world cup finals, but i still fell asleep after halftime.
primary school registration for my dearest little girl yesterday was quite a breeze, though i spent 15 minutes finding the gate, she officially accepted to nyps yay.. didn't know nyps was so hot on demand. lucky girl to have a sister like me..
A div nationals today, must say i feel quite old and out of touch with the juniors, but results were quite expected and now the big challenge is ncc. i still can't believe it's only next weekend, scared? excited? i don't know.. i think i haven't got into the competition mood yet..
totally out of point here, but girl wake up, don't do this, you can't do this, mind, please win your heart.. this should not and must not happen. noooooo....

great singapore sale is on and the shopaholic in me is on the loose. last week i finally got a taste of my anticipated holiday tai-tai lifestyle. on the first day of GSS, after a carbo-packed lunch with the ntu canoeists at cafe cartel for energy, the time has come to shop. the set lunch at cartel wasn't that appetizing but bread was nevertheless, bread was good. i think they should seriously employ more waiters and station some of them permanently cutting up bread and serving.












that's us at cartel and sophie trying eat that gigantic burger of hers













the shopaholic was well prepared. i dumped all my stuff in the gym and even brought a small bag which i can carry with me whilst shopping. after joining the fun of shopping on the first day of GSS, the tai tai wannabe went for a relaxing yoga class before meeting up with the rj canoeists for dinner at lemongrass and the usual swensons dessert followed, which we could never get sick of. it's been a long time since we met up. everyone looks more or less the same and lyd's got her gigantic hair done again.














that's us at swensons.










with lydia and her big curly hair and fengyi and her google tanline.


we love desserts but nothing beats the marche desserts which got devoured in less than 10 seconds by very hungry and greedy people after the southern island expedition. and how can we forget carol's waffle with extra bananas after sdba. and cake binging at secret recipe not too long ago







does this sinful picture look familiar?


that's the end of day one of tai-tai life. on the second day of GSS, the shopaholic is out to shop again before making our way to indoor stadium for grease. it was great watching them sing and dance on stage and made me wonder don't they get tired jumping around so many days in a row?
i'm totally love food and am looking forward to tomorrow's buffet at ikoi. sometimes i think i train so that i can eat all i want and not feel too guilty. ok i just had lunch about 2 hours ago and i'm feeling hungry already especially when my mom and sis are just in the kitchen making dumplings for dragon boat festival tomorrow.

it has been at least 2 or 3 weeks without my weekly long, therapeutic run, and by long i mean at least an hour. and why are the runs getting more and more expensive each year. AHM is 18 bucks and real run is 25 bucks. i don't remember paying so much last year. now i'm contemplating whether to sign up for real run. i'm just hoping that standard chartered marathon's registration fees won't increase anymore. it's already so expensive and they have lots of sponsors. oh yes and to all those girls who like running. there's a shape run coming up in july. eh it's literally free cos it comes with a half year subscription. i think those who hate running must be wondering why people are willing to pay so much just to run when you can do it absolutely for free. well, it's just nice to run.

i realised i should never made resolutions and swear that i'll keep to them because they never happened. first was to sleep before 11 everyday but look at the time now and i've been sleeping around this time for the past few days and waking up early. second was to refrain from eating chocolates, but seems like i've been eating chocolate bars everyday and i don't know if it's psychological or it's really the sugar rush, but training feels better after eating chocolates. well, at least there's something for me to be proud of, and that is i haven't drank coffee at all since the end of exams.
it's already a month into the holidays and i don't know if i should be glad or sad.. glad because i don't have to touch books anymore for these 3 months at least, and that to me is a huge relief. sad because i can't realise all my holiday plans. isn't it strange how you badly look forward to something and when you actually get it, the feeling of excitement/euphoria doesn't seem to exist. maybe it's just me, but i was so impatiently looking forward to the end of exams but after my last paper, it wasn't the expected feeling of happiness and relief. instead, i felt numb/lost and tired, very lethargic/exhausted, as if i just wanted to go home and have a good rest. in fact, i think i had more fun planning for my holidays than living it. i planned to be a good sister, to send my little sis to kindergarten and back everyday, teach her stuff in preparation for school, go swimming with her, doing a fun job and making some money while having fun, like working in an ice cream shop, spend my free time sun tanning, jogging, canoeing for the fun of it, gymming and attending classes like yoga, and how can i possibly forget shopping, ktv-ing, travelling, sleeping, there's so much things to do and it felt like there was so much time to do it.
and now i have to squeeze everything into the days when i'm free. majority of my time comprises of training, not that i hate it, but it does gets boring at times. sometimes i'm in the mood to really focus on training and strokes etc, but sometimes i'm just so sick and tired of it. on the last lunch in JB during the retreat, when jr was talking about why he doesn't want to try out for national team again and he said this phrase which really struck me: once you're out of it, you can never get it back again.
is it true? i've been pondering over it. perhaps. i remember lifting freaking heavy weights in that little weights room, running intervals like mad on the track, doing pull-ups like nobody's business, paddling my heart out at kallang river. and now? i don't know... i came back from sibu and tried a 2.4 just to see how's my running now and it was very disappointing, can't even sub 12 for 2.4 when i used to be able to do that for intervals of 2x2.4. after that i struggled to get my chin above the pull-up bar, which used to be no-kick. perhaps things should just have stopped at the peak because it's quite impossible to get another higher peak. perhaps you're right.
sigh, ok, ignore all my incoherent ramblings, it's 2am in the morning. time to sleep

iti'm back from my only weekend getaway from singapore for the entire 3 month break. retreat to pulau sibu for 3 days 2 nights and here is how it went:
day -1 night 10 pm:
the packing just started. took out all the clothes from my cupboard, all the toiletries, passport, money etc. dumped them all on my bed and had a hard time deciding what to bring and what not to bring and which bag to bring. in the end i just threw everything into the big black bag and the tired me went to sleep.
day 1:
woke up extremely early to go for a short morning run because i realised i would probably not have the chance to run for the next 2 days. if you think my usual 6am morning run is early, well, this time it was 4.30 because i had to be at kranji at 6.30. and of course i'm not stupid enough to run into the forest so i went to the stadium and realised i wasn't the first. caught the first bus to the mrt station and took a train to kranji. and of course we didn't set off at 6.30 sharp and by the time we got on to our bus in jb it was already 8.30. after about 2 hours of bus ride, which i slept through it undoubtly, and about half an hour of ferry ride. we finally arrived in sibu. it is a small and rather laid-back island, no fanciful shopping centres, entertainment. basically it's just the sand and the sea. we spent the first afternoon at the nearby beach, playing beach volleyball, frisbee and playing in the water. after dinner was night games and i concussed on the bed before 12.
day 2:
after breakfast we set off for snorkelling. everyone was in a high spirit although the sun was not as good as it was the day before. we spent the whole ferry trip taking photos and when it was finally time to get off the boat and to the beach, we suddenly hesitated about snorkelling. there were jellyfish everywhere around the boa, but we still put on our googles and went down the water, thinking that it wouldn't be too bad in the shallow waters. but we were wrong. it felt like we were playing catching with the jellyfish and instead of looking out for coral reefs and fish, we were looking out for jellyfish and trying our best to avoid them. it was quite a traumatizing task and although i did try very hard to avoid them, they were faster than i am. nasty little many-legged creature gave me a nasty little sting on my arm and left it in pain for the rest of the day. it was definitely not a pleasant experience but was an unforgettable one. of course, we had to give up on snorkelling in that area. perhaps it just wasn't our day, it rained after lunch and left us stucked in the resort playing hunter. when the sky finally cleared, it was time for more sea and sand. and we refuse to give up on snorkelling and so we finally did, at a beach with no jellyfish (at least i didn't encounter any). dinner was barbeque and i think we're a whole bunch of greedy and hungry people. we had to ask for extra dish and rice every meal. and we finished 2 big tins of biscuits after 2 nights of indian poker. i think our humongous appetite scared the resort owner.
oh ya, i didn't mention about the place that we stayed. it was nothing like a hotel, more like a chalet kind, where around 4 of us shared a room which only has a bed for us to sleep. the whole level had 4 toilets to be shared among 36 of us and there's no hot water. what's worse is that the tap water tastes rusty.
since that was the last night, of course there was minimal sleeping. we played murderer, indian poker and those who slept early knew the consequences.
day3:
it was the last day, or rather it was go-home day. we didn't do anything or go anywhere that day. after breakfast we packed up and left the little island which we spent 2 relaxing days. it's really sit around and wait for time to pass. it felt great for the time we were there, like a transient escape from the hectic city life, but i don't think i want to stay there for my entire life.
short holiday, but better than none.
now it's back to where i am. and here are some photos for viewing pleasure:









that's the whole group of us when we arrived.











before the "snorkelling"









the girls









153 club. make a guess why the name










s cube










the view from where we stayed









brokeback!!!!!









are you sleeping? are you sleeping?? yes, the whole bus is sleeping

check this out... i thought it was hilarious
http://flash.cyol.com/product/05121802324416.swf

today i took a last look into the mess that i've been staying in for the past 2 sememsters, yes, my not-so-lovely, quite convenient and used to be very messy room in hall 14 of nanyang crescent. will i miss the hostel life?? i don't know, shall blog more on my thoughts for the first year of my uni life when holiday officially starts, which will be in 2 days time.
today i also had the most unpleasant bus ride which i must comment. as i was happily taking the bus from boon lay to jurong east library, trying to make sense out of my notes, occasionally looking out of the window to enjoy the scenery, and drinking my soursop juice (ok, i admit i do eat in the bus), this old man got on and sat beside me. the first thought that came to my mind was: hello, can't you see there are empty seats (in fact quite a lot), why the hell must you place your ass on the seat beside mine? then i began to smell something funny, yes, it was from that dirty old man who smelled like he hasn't bathed for days. i decided to be nice and tolerant so i just looked out of the window so that my nose can be as far away from him as possible. and then, as i stole peeks at him, i realised what he was doing... he was putting his hand into his shirt and scratching himself and then flicking (some dead skin i suppose) off his fingers. i was already quite grossed out by him right from the start and now here's the climax. he scratched, took his hand out of his shirt, towards his face, in front of his nose, smelled it, and then moved it a little lower and yes, into his mouth. oh my god, i almost felt like puking when i see him chewing and nibbling at whatever stuff that was. yucksssssssss!!!!!!!!!

有人无法看见美景，有人无法听见声音。
有人无法唱歌，无法倾听。
有人闻不到花香，有人不能四处跑动，有人没脚穿鞋。
为什么我还要不停抱怨，不能像小鸟一样，飞入云端玩耍？