after one month of work, this is what i'm doing when my bosses are away early in the morning...

它曾带来多少惊喜和欢笑，多少感动的泪水和幸福的滋味。人们偏爱它那脆弱的肢体，淡淡的芳香及那短暂的生命。那是因为人们看到的只是它那美丽的面孔，而看不见背后被人们残酷折磨的疤痕。当光辉的时刻一过，它的遭遇，最终的下场又有谁关心呢？它流的泪，掉的瓣又有谁希罕呢？
我愿留下其中的精髓，在阳光中绽放璀璨的光辉，在黑暗中带给我坚强的依偎，因为在我心中已是永恒的美。

fears. i used to hide from them, ignore them, but speaking from experience of a bungee jump, now i've realised the best way to overcome them is to face them.
i've never failed to amuse myself at how i've changed over the years. once upon a time i was that very shy and quiet girl in class who rarely spoke a word, then i was that rebellious girl who hung out at shopping malls after school, eating fast food and bubble tea. and from an exercise freak to a total slacker. now i actually enjoy listening to newsradio on my way to work, prefers heels over flats (though slippers still win if i had a choice) and apply at least 5 different skincare products before going to sleep, oh yes, life as an adult, a vain one.

one week into stepping into the dark side, so far so good. In fact, I'm pretty much enjoying what I'm doing now, maybe only because the stress and workload have yet to set in. What's there to complain my workplace is just half an hour busride from home and 2 young and bubbly colleagues who look forward to lunch as much as I do; when I'm setting my own deadline, planning what I should do for the day, going visiting with my bosses, and reading magazines, newspapers, watching tv and going shopping is part of my job! I sure am glad I'm given so much freedom and say.
I think the amount I've learnt about the real world, about business, about putting the knowledge acquired in school in just 1 week is over-powering. Maybe that explains the headache that won't go away. But well, work is still work, I'm sure one day I'll start complaining about it.
Busy but fulfilling week, and being offered gatorade by the helpers at solomon run at mac this morning, cab driver stopping to allow me to jay-run across pie exit, the beautiful morning sun which gave me a bit of tan, and the cooling afternoon rain, and with the bouquet of roses sitting on my table, love is in the air...

well, well, so much of saying i'll never touch tcm again, here i am flipping my textbooks (they're still so new and in good shape!) and reading and searching for research papers. Scratching my head trying to recall HPLC, titration, making agar etc etc...
that's life, not that i'm complaining.

Just as how things tumble with one small push, it only takes a pair of hands to build it up again. It has only been slightly less than a month since the end of my last exams (i hope), but it seemed like a long time. Well, it was a good month, much better than cramping endless loads of tcm knowledge into my limited brains, it gave me the luxury of waking up without the help of an alarm clock, walk down the streets and malls without the guilt of not spending the time to memorize more notes. Most importantly, it gave me time to make decisions. I think the biggest decisions I've made so far were related to education, like choosing which JC and course in uni. Now, it's a new phase of life, I hope I've made wise decisions.
知足常乐, seriously, what more do I want

船
到桥头自然直，
but some things are permanent...

another day at home doing NOTHING! besides downloading and watching shows, updating my itouch to pass to my sis as her bday present. oh little J, you're going to love me for it!

when i was just a little girl, i asked my mother, what will i be?

now that i'm no longer a little girl, and i am thankful that my mother has given me freedom to make my own decisions, i am lost.
i can name a million things that i don't want, but i can't find something that i really want. i don't want to be a teacher, i don't want to be a chinese physician, well, not the typical old sinseh, i like acupuncture, but that's about all i believe in tcm. neither do i want to be sitting in the office everyday doing admin work, or in a lab playing with mice. i can't afford to be a full time taitai, i'll die of boredom. i know nuts about finance, and i don't really want to do sales.
no one's pushing me to find a job and start working asap, i'm just finding myself a nuisance and useless bum at home, i can't be living off my savings forever or letting you pay for all my expenditures. my family can survive without my financial support and i don't owe the bank any money. i just need to do something to pass time, to have a bit of cash rolling in to buy some lv, prd etc.
my ideal job is 5-day week, 9-5, giving me time go for my morning jog, poke some needles on some nights, go home and chill or hang out with my loved ones on other nights, spending saturdays just chilling out, and sundays for a great workout.
i used to live each day as it comes, never planned for anything for more than a few weeks in advance, never thought i can settle down in life. i played hard, very hard, i had fun, but now i've grown up, it's time to think about my future.
ah, life...

it's been 2 weeks,
since i last used my brains

I thought my chinese standard was above average, maybe i'll have to think twice after taking so long to write a 4-liner email, not even in the proper format. Just don't ask me to write my resume in chinese, it may take days!
I'm officially sick of having nothing to do, sigh, it's time to look for some sk jobs to pass time.

to each, his own agenda

i think i've long lost touch with writing, it's getting so hard trying to pen down my thoughts, or is it because i don't even know what i'm thinking?

it was such a lovely afternoon, sitting around and gossiping, bitching etc, though it has only been less than a week since we last saw one another, it seemed like forever.

perhaps it's not so hard afterall, perhaps i'll give it a try

With no plans for the day in mind, I headed out of the house with the intention to collect the freebies for the new laptop, and came home with not only a huge bag containing those freebies, but also a new handbag and a pair of shoes. Someone shoot me!
And today, so deprived of my morning coffee, I spent the whole morning sleeping after my morning run, shower and breakfast, only woke up in time for lunch. Gosh I'm such a pig! The weather's so unbearably hot that I've decided to get out for some aircon and coffee. Was doing up my resume (yes I'm that slow with my job app) and tidying up my MacBook. Now that the battery's flat and I'm passing time here blogging from my iPhone and waiting to be picked up for dinner.
Sheesh I'm such a taitai!

And while tidying up my room yesterday, I found my 中医基础，中药，方剂 notes, I totally forgot their existence and they were just in the box of notes below my study table and I couldn't even be bothered to dig them out. And just now I found more notes on Stre tips from my comp, what I 'great' student I am, looks like I'm all ready to take my exams again next year! Choy!
And why does that next at the table opp sound so much like someone I've known from jc?
Come quick! I'm getting hungry!

day 0 of my freedom, i bought a huge cup of bubble tea, went home, chatted with my mom, went for db trng, had dinner, watched movie and went airport to fetch my dad.
day 1, i woke up early as usual, went for a run that i've been wanting to do so badly for the last 4 days, yes it's more of an addiction than a plan to lose weight, took a long bath, stoned, went out for ktv, then back home and finally watched GG, i've been so disciplined for the past few weeks!
i thought the excitement of freedom could last longer, but i was wrong. right now on just day 1, the lost feeling is back again. lack of directions, lack of goals in life. i knew it right from the start, i cannot do nothing. and sadly, with my limited knowledge and experience, i cannot do anything either.
life's short, play hard, it's easy to say, but how hard can we play? always admired those travellers who give up their career, carry their backpack and off they go, or even better, get their butts on their bicycle and off they go to conquer the world. make some money, spend them, and make more. that's not about time, not about bravery, it's about courage to live life the way you want it to be. and i know i am not capable of that.
so when will my heart and mind ever settle down? when can i let someone else into it? the problem doesn't lie with who, the problem lies with me.

And now that the BIG exam is over, it's time to move on.
just thought of some things to put on my wishlist:
- lose 5 kg!!! oh man, fat is an understatement now!!
- find a decent job!!!
- get a new haircut and colour =)
- complete an ultramarathon either next year or next next year.
- learn scuba.

see i'm not that ambitious and crazy am i?

I was so certain, now I'm not quite..

Seriously world, just leave me alone.

FML. Period

I always thought marriage would be the most magical moment of one's life, but after seeing so many wedding photos, and finding out through the all-so-mighty fb that people whom i've known are already fathers/mothers, seem to have made marriage into, well, just an event. no doubt that everyone looks great in their wedding gown, but you don't need to get married to wear that gown!
oh well, prove me wrong. and if one day i do get married, it need not be a blast, but it needs to be extraordinary. remember i said this.

i do have the ability to take 10-15 minute powernaps and even dream of the most ridiculous things. yesterday i dreamt of myself still in china and going on a date with an angmoh, today i dreamt of kayaking and capsizing in kallang, and not too long ago i even dreamt of myself flying around in alice in wonderland. hohoho, seems like my dreams serve as the best entertainment in my hellish last-minute mugger life.
oh why can't i dream of more relevant things like what will come out for exams. at least then i will know what NOT to study since i never had a dream come true. literally.

if dreams are one's real life desire...

沉默是一種回音來自你　很深的心底
重覆著　我要離去　我要離去
可是我不想傷害你

微笑是一種逃避來自我　很深的愛情
假裝著　沒有問題　沒有問題
我們一定能撐過去

原來愛情的世界很大
大的可以裝下一百種委屈
原來愛情的世界很小
小到三個人就擠到窒息

原來愛情的世界很大
塞了多少幸福還是有空虛
原來愛情的世界很小
被一腳踩過就變成廢墟

It sucks to be me...

between brewing bags of 消风散 and popping little tablets of antihistamine, i choose the latter, definitely.
stop itching!!!! argh!!

just when i thought i could find someone to share my misery and frustration, i was wrong! tmdnbcb! stop telling me to study harder and do my best bla bla bla...
who doesn't know how to give moral support? it's how freakin easy to give a pat on the back and say jiayou, just hang in there, it'll be over soon, can celebrate after that etc etc.. when you don't row my boat.
sorry but encouraging words don't encourage me, they simply piss me off. just leave me alone world! give me a bottle of booze now and get me totally wasted!

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

fat ass bad ass.
holy crap!
wahahaha

有些东西失去了就再也找不回，有些选择决定了我们一生。
但有些事，有些人，是我们这辈子都忘不掉的。无论你怎样的试着将它遗忘，它总会在你最不经意时浮现。能做到当你想起时不再心酸，也许就算成功地将它变成过去了吧。

你说我太孩子气，太不稳定，我说你太直着过去。

after a frustrating day trying to settle my taobao shopping and getting my printer to squeeze some ink out, and as usual an unfruitful day, this put a big grin on my face:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?profile=1&id=504820090#!/note.php?note_id=145812195459367&id=100000949815561&ref=mf
yes, i am dumb enough to forget to bring my internet banking 'scratchcard' to china, and icbc should make better use of their so-called 'ebanking'. Seriously, who now needs to go down personally to the bank to change their handphone number??????
alright, at least i settled my dad's bday present, sorry you got to pay for it yourself, who ask you to miss your flight AGAIN!!
sorry but i refuse to step out of the house to see anyone till i'm smarter and more presentable. really 见不得人 now!

is it true that from the day that we're born, life has already been pre-painted?
we grow up, finish our basic education amidst the intense competition, face our first hurdle after 6 years of primary education. then, we face the challenge of growing up, both physically and mentally, to gradually pave the road for the future. And so, after spending a quarter or more of your life battling with textbooks and examinations, we find ourselves in the workforce finally.
Before we could celebrate the long-awaited freedom, more pressure begins to pile. 9 to 5, mon to fri, for what? earn money to feed ourselves and our family of course. Then we spend a bomb and get married, look pretty on that special day, take lots of photos, and soon, pop some little ones and then we watch their life-cycle begin as we count our white hair and wrinkles.
so in conclusion, we study hard so we can get a good job, we work hard so can earn lots of money, we earn money so we can provide a good life for our next generation. and then we age, and hope our next generation will treat us and bury us well.
so that's life? seriously seriously seriously, what's the point?

don't ask me for what, thank you for everything..

窗外風鈴一直不安靜　風在搖晃不安的宿命
我聆聽　你回憶經過的聲音

開始旅行寂寞很清醒　我在靠近過去的邊境
有些　戀人只是　路過時的風景

曾經太過年輕　卻絕對真心
我給的愛始終任性　不懂花開只一次的愛情

gone searching
for the last and only one left..
till then..
happy birthday and goodbye singapore..

最难说出口的，莫过于真心话。
one day, i will find the courage to tell you that i do miss you, that i am honestly touched to have you.
one day, i will convince myself that i do need to settle down, that things can work out with you.
yes, one day, i will try..

half sober, half dead.
halfway into life, neither here nor there.
i don't deserve any love and concern, i don't deserve everything that i have.
so let me drown myself in -ol again tonight, for i'll wake up not knowing what happened.
let me get into the transient amnesia of my past wasted years, of my precious youth and beauty.
now i stand, falling into the trap, of my f*cked up life.
我多么想和你见一面
看看你最近改变
不再去说从前 只是寒暄
对你说一句 只是说一句
好久不见

quit appearing in my dreams, quit giving me delusions
wake me up, give me some directions, some motivation, a life.

桃花已吐蕊，
未见樱花蕾，
不等万花绽，
童心已西归。

一无所有，一事无成。漂泊在这茫茫大海中找不到依靠，更看不到岸。曾经欣赏过它的美，跟随着波浪起伏起舞，期待着每天清晨的第一线曙光。曾经与路过的船结拜成友，共享着美好的时光。也曾经为迷失的船只指导方向。曾经，我眼中看到的是幸福，是希望。
如今，我已厌倦了起伏不定的海浪，它带走了不只是我的青春，更夺去了我对未来的渴望。
算了吧，别挣扎了，让我这没用的废物安息吧！

it's heartwarming, yet saddening, to know that in this world of darkness, i'm not alone.
rip. me..

难道这就是缘分？
你还记得我吗？

你回首的一眸，眼神交换的那一刹那，生活好像多了一份精彩。

日有所思，夜有所梦

yesterday morning, i woke up from warm and snuggly good night's sleep, drew the curtains and was delighted to see the field covered with a thin layer of unexpected snow. Today morning, i dragged myself out of the comfort of my bed, had breakfast and my morning coffee, waited for the sun to rise, piled on layers of clothes, scarf, mask, gloves and got out of the house fully prepared for the 'heavy snow' according to the weather forecast. all i can say is that the forecasters here are much better and more useful than those in sgp. the journey to hospital took almost twice as long as it normally would. somehow it seems it always snow on weekends and i always have to work. hmmmm...


don't you wish it was christmas?

beautifully frozen balcony windows..

snow is great for a change, but i still prefer the sun and the sea..
雪是洁白的，也是最容易被污染的。

2009, like any other thing, it came and went, just like that. no countdown parties, just thankful online radio is back to accompany me through the lonely cold night.
i seldom have dreams or nightmares, but for the past few nights, i've been dreaming of floods, fires and on the very first night of 2010, something that i've been trying to get out of my mind came back to me...

things planned out for 2010:
pass my graduation exam, licensing exam, convo and end my 17 years as a student!
i want to go Harbin, Tibet, and go bungee jumping before going back to the sunny island.
meanwhile, i can't wait for winter to be over. weather forecast says its going to snow again this weekend...