Friday, 26 October 2007

been watching my mood go on a roller coaster ride this week, but for most of the time it's at the 'leave me alone' and 'talk to my hand' part. walking around like a zombie in my own world and getting irritated by the smallest little things. basically i just don't care and can't be bothered. it's none of my business.. i hate it especially when the teacher mumbles a whole chunck of useless stuff, wasting our time discussing about the things we've discussed and squinting my eyes trying to decipher her horrible handwriting.. argh.. and one more thing which never fails to irritate me - kids. i remember being at the busstop one day reading notes and waiting for the bus when this little girl who was in front of me just turned and asked "what are you doing?" in that cute and sweet voice. i just rolled my eyes at her then pretended not to hear her anymore. obviously she didn't get my intention and asked me again "what are you doing?" her mom then turned and told her "she's ignoring you" in a very nice tone of course, and asked her to sit down. so me being mean just stared at her and said "ya, i'm ignoring you!" and walked away. today i was swimming in my condo pool, enjoying having the pool all to myself when this little girl was obviously in my way and looking at me swim. when i passed by her, she even tried to swim beside me, so i just kicked harder and pulled away, what a pity that i didn't kick her in the face. haha. ok i must admit those 2 girls are only about 5 or 6 years old and they are cute, but i really wanted to smack and kick their faces.. don't worry, i have never abused my sis before, at most i'll just give her a big slap on the butt and ask her to shut up.
yeah, it's finally friday, which means the next two days will be fully packed with work and stuff. having nothing planned, i came home straight after class, wanting to do my lab report. why can't those kiasu students read and understand simple english and just follow the blardy instructions?!?! it states very clearly that the task is just to 'sketch the banding patterns you obtained, and labeled drawings of leaf and stem. and what did everyone do, or intend to do? write a whole damn report!! spoil market!!
did my rough sketch really look so 'rough' and unwanted that my mom had to throw it away as trash? i'm surprised i didn't scream or lose my temper at all at her. just decided to cool it down by taking a dip in the pool. yes mom, thanks a lot for throwing away the most important source of info i have to do the report, and for keeping my pens in my pencil case without capping them. alright, i still love you for cleaning up my room, washing my clothes, altering my jeans, supplying me with food etc etc..
wow, i think today's my "lucky" day.. just saw one of the many wonders of ntu! as we were running out of school from the jln bahar exit. sy saw it first and said 'eee... i see a dog' i only saw it when we took a few more steps closer to it and it started moving, A BIG, FAT, ROUND WILD BOAR RUNNING ACROSS THE ROAD AND INTO THE JUNGLE!!! horrified!!

this morning i woke up feeling like it was a whole new world, the feeling of waking up not knowing what day it is, what time is it, just totally not knowing what's happening, all thanks to my long and undisturbed sleep, mainly because i concussed on the bed at 11pm. totally concussed and died-ed.. for a moment it felt good, like as if everything is new and fresh, only when i stepped out of the house, repeating the daily morning routine, that i realised nothing has changed.

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

i know this sounds real silly, but for the past 24 hours or so, i've been thinking, and searching, for just one good reason for me to live.
i am such a burden, such a worthless thing. all i do at home is to mess up my room, leaving mum to clear it up everyday when i go to school, eating up all the food she buys and cooks, and screaming at everyone who don't let me have things my way. school is just another total piece of crap. i just can't bring myself to pay attention in class, not to mention revise and study..
i've been trying to search for a reason for the depressness and i haven't found it. i can't pinpoint any reasons, or just one good reason that led me into this state, but neither can i find a reason to be happy. yes, suicidal it may sound, but i'm still searching for that one good and solid reason to live.
this morning was especially bad and the rain just had to make things worse. if not for mom who found me such an irritant and chased me out for school, i may have just ponned school. no, i wasn't afraid of the test, because i have already given up on it.
yes, me the bloody loser, seeking comfort in self denial, given up on studies, and giving up on life. i am not even half as strong as what i seem to be, because no one has seen the real me. the weekend of rowing and running felt good, at least the physical fatigue gave a transient escape from reality and took my confused mind out for some fresh air, it didn't last long. one thing that i want to do now is to cry, to hide my face into the pillow and allow all the pent-up emotions flow out.. but i bloody can't get the freaking tears out...
as i was enjoying my sunday jog yesterday, bringing my new running shoes out for their maiden voyage, i had nothing better to do than listen and appreciate the lyrics. here is one line which made me ponder. the song it comes from is pretty obvious "没人能把谁的钕幸福没收,你发誓你会活得有笑容。你自信时候真的美多了”
so much easier said than done..
really tired.. just let me sleep and not wake up

Thursday, 18 October 2007

the shopaholic in me just showed its tail today when i decided to go get a new phone, since my old one is getting cranky. got my 4th phone and was indeed very impressed with the efficiency and speed everything was settled. went to the taka hello shop, which was just a tiny little space in taka, without proper tables and chairs, wanted to get the phone that was on special offer for this week, but it was really a bit too bulky so decided to get a newer model, and of course pay more. quite excited with my new phone and i think it will keep me busy for quite a long time, especially when i have to manually save the contacts one by one, cos my old phone does not have the function that says "copy all to sim"..
and since i was already in town, i decided to walk around and shop a bit. heh.. bought a pair of new jeans and a couple of other little things here and there. and i must say shopping is a form of exercise, especially when you have a lot of things to carry and there's no seats on the bus! ok, enough of shopping for the time being.. wait till the shopping spree gets the better of me..

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

i can't remember when was the last time i ran with such intensity, not for ahm, not for shape run and today wasn't even official training. even the rain could not stop me from going to the gym and going for a run in the cool breeze that blew away the rain. just needed to sweat it out after locking myself up in the golden chamber the whole day. haha. did some light weights in the usual old src gym before going for the insane run. decided to try out the guys' fitness test route, which is supposedly 5km, though i'm quite sure it's more than that. i think i consider it hundred percent effort already cos any more and i would probably just faint flat on the ground. even the downslopes were not enough for me to catch my breath before having to scale the upslopes again. at the end of the run, i finally experienced what is really called panting and shortness of breath. it feels as if my lungs are not working together with the exchange of gases cos i was panting so much that the lungs were not given enough time to expand and take in more oxygen (if you have experienced it before and know what i mean). and i passed the fitness test, guys standard. haha
tired.. very tired.. but feels good

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

there can be no better word to describe the weekend than sleep! and dad was absolutely wrong in warning me not to drink so much tea in case i have problem sleeping cos what was suppose to be a short break by lying on the bed before starting to do work turned out to be a perfect 8-hour sleep! and the 'best' part of it was that i fell asleep at 11pm without changing, washing up and taking off contacts! don't worry, my eyes are still in perfect conditions.
sunday i managed to get my lazy bum out of the house to paddle a bit in the morning. good weather and water, and felt good to be in the boat again.
today was sports appreciation night. nothing unusual, just the normal speeches, award presentations and of course the highlight - buffet dinner that followed, which didn't really have a lot of good quality food.
hmmm.. did all the speeches and achievements of fellow athletes inspire me? to train harder? to study harder? to work towards my dream? what dream? i don't know. if my dream was to be a professional athlete, i've chosen to give up on that a few years ago. if my dream was to ace this exams, i'm definitely not doing enough and not even trying hard enough to get down to doing it. if my dream was to live each day to the fullest and be contented with life, why can't i just face each day with a smile that comes straight from the bottom of my heart? till i can finally find the real purpose in life, i will live each day as it passes by, looking forward to the end of each day and dreading the approach of the next morning as the countdown to the exams ticks away.
yes i admit, i'm scared...

Friday, 12 October 2007

last official land training today before the full scale mugging begins.. although i do admit trainings can get monotonous and i am seriously very sick of can 2 food,i do look forward to trainings most of the time. at least it gives me a break from the classroom and books, and my ball sense has obviously not improved after 2 weeks of games day. haha.
super-blur-me left my shoebag with shoes at mac toilet and so it's obviously nowhere to be found now.. time for new running shoes!!
super-blur-me thought i lost my pencil (which was a birthday present from a family friend on my 5th birthday i think) and only found it a week later in my labcoat pocket..

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

caught lust.caution yesterday. although i admit i was a bit confused and rather sleepy at the beginning of the movie, it was certainly worth the money and time. it's not the kind of sad story that will make you cry, but it sure made my heart sank. what's loyalty? what's love? and where do you draw the line between role-play and reality? what's right and what's wrong? and my very big question: why is she soooo foolish?!?!
alright, it's just a movie..
but in reality, aren't we all fools? well, at least i think i am..
请帮我找个快乐的理由,请帮我寻回生存的动力。请帮我寻找那暮色里七彩的彩虹。我想我已厌倦那勉强的笑容,那喧哗的世界及那难以揣测的人心。或许一切都应该返璞归真,做回最单纯的自己。既悟已往之不谏,奚念恋陶醉其中?

Saturday, 6 October 2007

ok, i shall blog, after a long long time of inactivity.. been either too lazy or too busy for the past month or so.
spent the whole recess week mugging for exams which ended up as a futile attempt of trying to be hardworking. somehow my mind just blanks out when i open the paper and start writing. well, it's over and now there's an even harder challenge ahead..
well, even if age is not the best gauge of maturity, it certainly adds to it. or maybe it's time that i realise life is not just about having fun, we need a goal, an aim, a future. nothing drops down from the sky and i do think it is time for me to plan what lies ahead. one more year in s'pore may seem long but 2 years of uni life have already passed, gosh, it seemed like everything only happened yesterday. it's a mixed feeling of anticipation, excitement, yet anxiety and uncertainty of school life in bucm and generally living in bj. what's more uncertain is after graduation. i've always avoided the question of what i want to be after i graduate. my answer was always wait till i grad first, yeah it's true but i really don't know what i want, is it practice? where? is it research? or is it to further my studies (if i haven't got enough of it)?
yes officially an adult now meaning i have the full responsibility to take care of myself and be independent..
it certainly is not quite right to find myself talking to myself in the middle of the night, in the midst of studying, as in really as if there's another person in the room and just chatting, cursing and swearing, and could only vaguely remember that i was really talking all by myself but had no idea what i said the next morning. and doesn't sound quite right when i can dream about myself breaking down in the bus followed by another dream that i dreamt that i broke down in the bus, all that in 10 minutes after dinner at 8pm in the sofa. gosh.. help!

cutting cake at the rooftop..

i do love you guys..
just a random comment.. ignorance is bliss, so don't bother..