in the midst of doing my personal write up for mr teo.. and making me wonder how much exactly do i know about myself. sometimes somethings that i do just cannot be explained logically and the best explanation would be "because i feel like doing it". went for scholarship day on saturday and camped in lt1 the whole morning. the scholarship that A-star provides and the career options it offers are damn cool, but i seriously doubt i'll get anywhere near the scholarship with my mediocre grades and the number of people who are better than me. but at least i know where my interest lies. just came from trials in the morning, i feel really off-form now, from all the slacking and rubbish weights and exercises that i've been doing since nationals are over. south east asia canoeing championships this coming september and october.. sounds tempting but it's time to know where my priorities lie. yes, A levels. although canoeing means a lot to me and even if i'm selected for it, i don't think it's logical to sacrifice As for this, especially if both turn out to be a disaster.
the next thing that might turn out to be a disaster: dinner tonight, cooked by me. keep your fingers crossed haha

at 12 noon, when the doors just opened, a crowd of people swarmed their way in, fighting to be the first, to be in front of everyone else. i watched the scene with astonishment and shock. it wasn't any great singapore sale, nor was it any free gifts up for grabs, it was the library. oh my gosh, i can't believe this. who says singapore lacks muggers, too much maybe. call it kiasuism, or lack of conducive environment, but the sight was simply unbelievable and to think that library's a good place for mugging? i won't really agree especially with the freezing air-con, noisy students who simply cannot abide to the rules of library, lack of tables or maybe just a plethora of muggers and table-hoggers. oh well.. but having a sister who can't stop singing nursery rhymes and jumping around the house is not any better, but at least i won't be a big bright light bulb. haha

and listen to this: everything that has a beginning has an end.

sigh, i'm so undecided about my future, where which university i'm going, what i'm going to study etc.. seems like every university has it's own plus points and it's so hard for me to decide especially since i haven't decided on the course, but i'm definitely not going to study an arts subject since i suck at it. but who knows what will happen. everybody's talking about universities now and it just feels strange that everybody's going to go separate paths after leaving jc, it's like now we're all attending the same lectures, studying the same things but next year everybody's going everywhere, studying different things. and how about 10 years down the road? will we meet up again? if we do then we'll have representatives of almost all kinds of jobs, politicians, economists, scientists, engineers, lawyers, mathematicians, businessmen, doctors, and the list goes on...

people say begin with an end in mind, because everything that has a beginning has an end.
friday marked the end of canoeing for us. we've fought hard, showed our true abilities, showed others the rafflesian spirit.
after our team prayer, after my last visualisation, i took my paddle, my life vest, i walked down the beach to the water. it was the last time i'm gliding through the water with all my might, my last time wearing the jersey, the life jacket, last time using my faithful old boat. last race.
as i did my last warm up and waited with anxiety and excitement for that last horn, i knew it was then or never. the past year and a half of training, all the shit that we've been through, the sweat, the blood, the pain for that one race. we rowed like never before, every pull, every twist, every effort. it was close, and it might have been possible, but it didn't happen. it was the best i've done, but i couldn't help feeling disappointed for something so near yet so far, something which i had always wanted. well, it's over.
as i watched and cheered for the later races, i've felt the real meaning behind canoeing. winning isn't everything. in fact, we are all winners, for we've given our best for the school, with the blasting cheers of "go raffles" from the jetty, we have shown the determination, the team spirit, the school spirit, the pride, and all these are worth so much more than a gold.
after the prize presentation, as we all gathered around the school flag for college anthem, i was trying to hold back tears as i sang. not tears of joy or sorrow, but tears of pride in being a raffles canoeist. the college anthem never meant so much. "we'll do our best whate'er the test, and keep our colours flying..." green, black, white, flying with pride. i know that is where i belong, that is what i am. i daresay that the best thing that happened in my life is joining canoeing and even though i may not wear my jersey, row in my boat, but deep in my heart, i'm always a raffles canoeist.
post nationals night, probably the last night we're going to spend together, 11 of us, all so unique in our own ways, yet so indispensable. we've been through so much together, trainings, sdba, scf, dragon boat and i'm so glad i've found friends like you. to my k2 partner, fengyi, thank you for being the power behind me, everything couldn't be possible without you. to my twin, weiqi, you're great and the team couldn't have come so far without you. to shine, my classmate and teammate, you're certainly the nicest person i've known and thank you so much for hearing all my crap all day. to mag and sheryl, you all have certainly shown the spirit and trainings wouldn't be the same without you. to carol, thanks for all the joy. to gaoshang, the team will never be the same without you, your lame jokes and stories which brought so much laughter. to lydia, thanks for always being there and your valuable contributions to the team, to zhen, you're really indispensible and thank you for everything and to vania, you're shown us what's the meaning of a real fighter and intervals would never be possible without you. to jiaxin, gosh, you're really good, to jiaying, you're really strong, inside and outside and keep the spirit going, revenge will be sweet next year. to jingting and youjia, you all are great and we are all so proud of you and to yonghui, you are wonderful, keep it going and from now on, it's all yours, bring your team to greater heights, work hard and achieve what your goals, the next year will be challenging and let it be fruitful. to my teammates, thank you so much and i can't imagine my life without you. let us all work hard together for A levels and we are raffles canoeists forever. to the j1s, be proud of raffles canoeing and raffles canoeing will be proud of you.
enough said, the rest will remain in my memories. forever and ever.