sometimes things are not as simple as they appear to be and there're some things that you don't see. i don't know, there're just too many things that happened recently that is causing me to be in this state. all i need now is time and a break to collect back my thoughts and piece them back properly. some of which could never be settled in the near future or ever.
and to all those who hate me and think that i suck, you know something, i totally agree. i'm the most sucky, most screwed up person alive. every aspect of my life is screwed up, so just scold me any way you want to. i don't want to live a life of regrets, i don't want to follow your footsteps. there's no other word to describe the way i am now. i'm just plain screwed up.
if only i knew all these would happen,
if only i could turn back the clock,
if only everything was in my control
if only we could live in the world of "if onlys"
if you don't understand all these crap, nevermind, it's not meant to be understood.

do you really think so? if that is all that matters to me, i would not need to face each day the way it is now. whoever you are, someone who does not dare to identify yourself, i just want to tell you that things are not what they seem and i do wish that my life is as simple as just school and canoeing. but it is not. so if you think that your life if screwed up enough, think twice.

looking at the namelist for scf makes me feel bad. what's this? 3 competitors for both k1 events only? which means straight finals and guaranteed a prize as long as they don't capsize? should have just gone for it. but nevermind, i'll concentrate on k2 and forget about the k1s.
yes, we'll do it again tomorrow, so exciting...

fat, fat, fat... i'm so horrified with the fact that i put on 2.5 kg in one week! that is like, a dumbbell? or just a whole big blob of lard. no wonder my skirt feels so much tighter these few days. all thanks to common test, which is making me stay at home, unable to resist the temptation of food and lack the time to exercise. hmm.. this make me wonder what i will become after i stop training. white and pasty? i don't want to imagine. it's time to control my intake of food, desperately..... but that will be after the pigging out this weekend. don't worry, i promise no more chocolates until saturday. i won't sink the boat and our k2 can still fly.
speaking of common tests, what else can i say. i'm just so glad that there's only one paper left and somehow i feel happy going to school nowadays. maybe it's just because there's no more boring and monotonous lessons. i'm hoping to pass all the papers and the biggest worries are gp and physics (even though i've not taken the paper yet). please don't let me fail anymore....

everything seems so predestined and out of my control
but if you don't try, you'll never know (it wasn't meant to rhyme) so why are we even denied the chance of trying. maybe you have your reasons but i really don't understand.

the past 3 days were probably the most rewarding days in my life. friday started off pretty well, other than a tiny screw up for k2, which made me don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
day 2 was much better, other than the fact that i only have one race that day and that it was a good race, the rest of the day was spent lazing around, eating and more eating and eating more. actually i'm so glad that i'm a girl and there's no semi-finals, or else i'll just be floating up and down in the water for the whole day. the rest of the day was spent sleeping to recuperate for finals.
and there, my theory of saving the best for the last. the last day was fabulous. it started off with k2 250m which we entered by mistake. it was just burst, burst and burst. in less than a minute, it was over and the gold medals have just found their owners. and then it was k1, which was.. well.. good. at least the videos looked better than how i felt. and what did i say about saving the best for the last. k2 500m, our favourite event. i could just feel the adrenalin pumping up and we were so ready to do our last and best race for sdba. and so we did, shooting out and leaving the rest with our back wash, aiming through the 250 mark and our end burst which was nothing less than hundred percent. everything was good and i felt good, not only because of the fact that we've won, but more because we know that we've put in all we've got and made that our best race.

yes, although we're not able to defend the championship, but we all did our best and we know that we have hope for nationals. it's not just a dream, but something that we can work towards. we might not be granted with the advantage of more water trainings, but we should make the most out of them and make every training count towards our goal.

to my k2 partner, what else can i say, i've certainly enjoyed the trainings doing k2 with you. remember how we started doing k2 just for us and jiaolian to enjoy. remember how he said he will never put us together in k2. remember all the wonderful trainings we had and how we would always end the day with nice starts, and remember your promises... but k2 will not stop here for us, we have another goal right?
to carol, this is my millionth time telling you this, don't slack, but whatever. to lyd, nice races, it's quite amusing i agree and i'm glad you had fun. yes, practice makes perfect so all the way in your k1. to zhen, it was a good race, i know you've put in your best, and i'm so happy to see that. you have all the potential right from the start and you will make a good canoeist. next to vania and shine, i'm proud of you, you all did a great job and i can see that. i do admire your determination so show the rest that. and to twin and mag, i'm proud of you too, maybe it was just luck but we all know that you all are capable. and to sheryl and gs, you all did a great job, especially for 250. i know you all gave it your best. and to the guys team, we still have time to show the rest what raffles canoeing is all about and we'll win back our challenge trophy. nothing is impossible

at the end of the day, or maybe a few years down the road, it's not the number of trophies and medals that matter, nor the cca points. but it's the experience that will last you a lifetime. so what if you have won the medal, through despicable means. you know who you are, we know who you are. so live in the fact that i've won because i've cheated for you whole entire life. all the best to you.

i haven't felt so excited and gone so hysterical in school for such a long time. today was such a wonderful day. it felt like holidays after yesterday's gp paper and there's just so many things to make me happy. first, there's no chinese and no gp and plus our break it added up to 2 hr 40 min of break, which i spent half of it in the ts laughing away; then there's fy's messages, you have a lot to tell me on sunday don't forget... and also my pretty new shoes which came in the afternoon, finally they are not blue, and the thought of going to lyd's house and not having to do intervals, and for reasons that only steff and i know.
i had a lot of fun at lyd's, hopefully we won't get into any trouble with teachers tomorrow. yes guys, it's tomorrow, feeling so psyched up and excited about it already. come on guys, we can do it!!!!
and thank you celeste, don't know how you found your way here, hope you are doing fine there. we'll miss you and we'll kick ass tomorrow...

it's not only a race, it's a game, and we're all playing it
life is a game of choices, so choose to win

from what had happened today, i think that the guys and girls team severely lack communication. comm'on, we are one team after all and we all take pride in calling ourselves raffles canoeists. this distant relation is certainly not going to help during competition because we don't just canoe for ourselves, for our partners nor for our individual team, but for raffles. sdba is less than a week away, and i do hope that this is not going to affect our performance next week.
and this goes out to all my fellow canoeists, next week is the chance to show the other schools what we are made of, what we can do. we've all been training so hard and it wouldn't be long to see the fruits of our hard work. keep your cool everyone, and be sure of yourself because i'm confident that we, the raffles canoeists can do it!

i'm so sick and tired of school, i don't know what i'm going to school for, wasting my time? wasting my life away? why do i even call it life in the first place? what is life when you spend more than half of your day in school, forcing myself to stay awake during lessons and finishing tutorials just for the sake of finishing it?
perhaps the best time that i've had in school is the time spent training. it's amazing how we can talk about everything under the sun so openly and laughing our heads off at the most ridiculous jokes. though training is tough, i certainly enjoy the time we spent together going through all that.
and this is only the start of j2 life.. and life must go on..

the dining table is filled with food, again. and i can't wait for breakfast tomorrow. there's bread, cereal, muesli bars, peanut butter, nutella, pork floss, a huge tub of yoghurt, bananas... there's so much to eat and i'm spoilt for choices. i simply love breakfast, the feeling of waking up and filling up my stomach with food. yummy.